So you left me on a lovely Saturday morning, waiting for Circus Boy to get back here on the train so we oculd go for our walk. And waiting. And waiting. >:-(
So eventually, about 4.30, I phoned and asked if we were still doing anything today or had he changed his mind?
'Oh, no, of course we're doing something! I just need to finish up a few things here and then get to the station, and... yeah, the train gets in at 8, come and meet me at the station.'
Well I was a bit miffed that he'd have happily let me hang around all day waiting for him, but the thought of an evening out was cheering me up fast, cos I'd been playing Jimi Hendrix and it had me in the mood for a nice psychedelic outfit - and I had just the one in my wardrobe, and some fab glitter platforms to go with them. And HOURS to get ready.
So that's what I did, and five to eight saw me walking down the high street in a bit of a happy daze, so much so that I almost walked past S_ and her partner - they were out for a night out and so I stopped and chatted to them for a while. Then my phone went and it was Circus Boy at the station and where was I? I said I was nearly there, so he said he'd come and meet me. Of course, he was on his unicycle. Might have guessed really, except he must have taken it out the night before - who on earth takes their unicycle clubbing? But the minute I saw him, I felt really happy, especially when he waved from down the road and cycled over to give me a big hug.
He also had his juggling kit with him, so we walked over to his house to drop everything off. His Mum was there, it was the first time I'd met her, and I was a little bit apprehensive, but she didn't immediately screech at the top of her voice, 'OH MY GOD WOMAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY LITTLE BOY, YOU ARE ALMOST AS OLD AS ME YOU HARLOT!' so that was a bonus. And I think we bonded over discussion of washing powders and the problems of not having a washing line as we hung out the laundry, because I like to be helpful, especially when I know it will earn me brownie points with parents. Then she went in to watch the Olympics, and we sat outside, me sipping orange juice and Circus Boy getting stoned.
'So, shall we go for that walk then?'
WHAAAAAAAAT!!!! Had my great clonking GLITTER platform boots suddenly been rendered invisible? But undeterred I went along with it - as far as the edge of town, when impending darkness and potential dirt tracks combined to have me stumble over. Luckily he caught me, and then, finally, he decided to change plans. Great, I thought, images of crisp glasses of dry white wine forming in my head. But they don't have many of those at the children's playground.
Yup, that is where he took me. Joey Essex would be proud. Though to be honest, it wasn't that bad. It was a warm night, and watching him on the overhead bars was quite entertaining. Then we sat on the swings and talked for ages, he was telling me about how he'd been bullied as a child; various tales of horror involving exes who abandoned him abroad, broke his heart or went mental on him; and how he wants to set up a different society, where money doesn't matter.
Eventually it started to get a bit cold, so he said did I want to go home? I said I thought it would be a shame to not pop into a pub beforehand, and it was at this point that he confessed he had no money. Well what do you know, all my suspicions are coming true. So I said why didn't we pop into a pub on the way home anyway, cos I had some money.
He said yes, and then became very animated about the owner of one of the locals, saying he wanted to talk to her about maybe doing some fire there some time. Now this pub is my pub of choice, and I am in there a lot, with my friends, lots of whom know the bar staff and the owner quite well, so they know me a bit too, but I didn't tell Circus Boy this - not that he gave me a chance really.
So we walked in and the lassie behind the bar immediately said to me, 'aaah, I thought we'd see you in here this weekend, with your boy being away!' (she knew cos this was where I'd come for lunch the day before). Surprisingly, Circus Boy was visibly rattled. 'Do you know R_ then?' he asked, naming the owner.
'Sort of - she wouldn't know my name or anything.'
Then I turned around and M_ , another friend, was right behind me, so we started to chat, I introduced Circus Boy, and then, and this is really odd, he started BACKING AWAY. So after all the times I'd spent talking to his mates and people he vaguely knows, the minute I chat to someone - whilst including him in the conversation - he makes it clear he's not happy, and wants out. Which M_ obviously noticed, so we brought the conversation to a close.
We went outside at the back so Circus Boy could smoke, and we'd not been there long when C_ and D_ came over. These turned out to be people Circus Boy sort of knew - but he then proceeded to spend the rest of the night with them!
The good bit being that C_ was quite old and had lots of money on him and was happy to pay for the drinks (although I did buy a round cos otherwise I'd have felt like a right scrounger). He was also dead set on going to the dive bar/disco where I'd met Circus Boy, so off we trotted. By this time Circus Boy was trollied, and was being very affectionate. He was also finding everything I said hilariously funny, even when it really wasn't, but of course I was loving that.
When we got to the bar/disco, S_ was already there with her partner, so we danced and chatted with them for a bit. This was actually the highlight of the evening, cos we were really getting on at this point, talking and daft dancing. At one point when I was dancing and Circus Boy was talking to C_ and D_, some younger trendy girls came over to me and said, 'are you two together?' pointing to Circus Boy. Bloody hell, I thought, they want to know if he's my son and if it is ok to cop off with him or something. But no. When I said I really didn't know, it was early days, they said, 'oh, you should be, you look really good together,' and I was unreasonably chuffed.
Then someone wandered off with Circus Boy's hat (he often wears this bowler hat), and he got really stressed about it, so we went looking for it. We then heard a rumour that someone was catching a taxi with it, so we headed outside, and for a horrible moment I thought he was going to rip the bloke's head off - but he luckily didn't, and sufficiently calmed we went back inside.
And then he disappeared. One minute he was there and we were chatting with everyone, the next minute he'd gone. Not to worry, I thought he'd gone to the loo or something. but he didn't come back. I was dancing with S_ for ages, but then the evening was starting to wind down, and there was still no sign of him, so I went for a quick scout around. Still nothing. So even though he'd left his jacket behind, he must have left. I decided to knock it on the head, and so I picked up his jacket and went out the back exit. I was just crossing the beer garden when I heard someone shouting, 'Karen!'
It was Circus Boy, he'd been huddled in a corner with C_ and D_ in the shadows of a parasol, so I'd missed him when I'd been looking. Well, I was very annoyed.
'Where the bloody hell have you been?' I shouted.
'What do you mean?'
'I mean I've been on my own in there for well over half an hour, no idea where you were, I thought you'd gone home!'
'Hey, hey, what's this about?? It's not like we're together or anything...'
'NOT LIKE WE'RE TOGETHER!!!! That's nothing to do with it! You didn't say anything before you buggered off, you didn't have the courtesy to mention you were out here, it's nothing to do with whether we're TOGETHER or not!'
'We are nothing to eachother, we don't owe eachother anything....'
'Are you not listening or something?? I'd be annoyed at ANYONE who had done that, just wandering off and leaving me on my own.'
'You weren't on your own, you were with your friends'
'EXACTLY!!! So if you'd said you were going outside I wouldn't have cared and would have come to find you when they left. Do you not get that??' Because he really didn't seem to. In fact he was still bleating on when S_ and her partner came over to say goodnight. Then looked embarrassed cos we were so obviously arguing/entertaining the watching beer garden, and off they went.
But that interruption had sort of cooled things down, and what with that and C_ constantly going on 'don't argue, don't argue', I kind of decided it wasn't worth it so I said I was off home too, and Circus Boy came with me. Then C_ and D_ wanted to come home with us, but I didn't really want two men I didn't know coming to my house, so we went to Circus Boy's.
They all sat around talking shit, and I sat there listening to them and drinking more wine. About 3am I nipped up to the toilet, and as I came out his mum was waiting for me, looking knackered and a bit upset.
'Oh God, I'm really sorry,' I said, 'I didn't mean to wake you up.'
'No, it's not you, it's them, they've got really loud voices and they keep laughing so loudly. Do you think I should say something?'
'Yes, definitely! It's your house, they should turn it down - or chuck us all out if you want.'
'No, no, you can stay, but I really don't want anyone else here..... Yes, I'll go down.'
So we did. She wasn't nasty about it at all, just told Circus Boy that he needed to wrap the evening up, that is was late and time for people to go to their own homes. Well, Circus Boy started kicking off :-O Honestly, it was a bit like watching a toddler temper tantrum, all 'you never let me have any fun', 'am I not allowed to have friends around to my own house?', 'no, I'm not going to, what are you going to do about it' etc.
Well, I'd had enough of this rubbish.
'Circus Boy, what the hell do you think you're playing at?'
'Leave him Karen, don't upset him, I'll talk to him tomorrow, ' said his meek little Mum. Well bollocks to that. I've been abused for six years, I'm not scared of a beating.
'Don't upset him?? He needs to be upset! I know he's had a hard time,' here she looked at me a bit funny, and I'm not sure if she was wondering what I meant or was surprised I knew, 'but that doesn't mean he should be allowed to get away with treating you like this.' Then I turned to him, 'the way you talk to your mother is totally unacceptable, it's HER house and so it's HER rules, now, party's over and it's time to let her get some sleep, and don't even bother telling me what you think of me cos I don't care!'
'Yes, Circus Boy, it's time for your friends to go now. Come on, off you go.' And Mum, newly emboldened by my little speech, put the other two out. Then off she went to bed.
Circus Boy was a bit miffed for a bit, but then we were chatting fine again until he started talking about his lifestyle and how he wanted to make a go of his DJing, fire, and general circusnessish. I admit, I should probably have kept my mouth shut, but by this point all the doubts I'd had were very near the surface, especially with the way his Mum had seemed a bit scared of him. So I said,'yeah, but thing is you can only do all that stuff because you have parents who support you.'
'They don't support me, they think I should get a proper job.'
'I don't mean like that. I mean like now, you live here, and it's free, so you can save for a van or whatever. And when you are off abroad or living away anywhere, you always know they are here, and they can bail you out any time. You don't realise how privileged you are - most poeple can't rely on parents like that because they just wouldn't have the money to be able to help however much they might want to, whereas for you however bad things might get it really is like the Pulp song says, If you call your Dad you can stop it all.'
This predictably went down like a razor blade stew. But somehow we got past even that, and eventually, pretty much as the sun was rising, we went to bed. And had sex. Twice. But.....
I felt like he was doing it to - I don't exactly know how to explain it - to dominate me. Not in a 50 Shades way, but just, well, subtly. Like I say, I can't exactly explain it.
Then after waking me out of a sleep for round two, he FELL ASLEEP mid-shag!!! O.M.G! Because then you are left with a conundrum. Should you carry on and hope he wakes up? Or just jump off and give it up as a bad job? I went for the latter, cos I was bloody tired, it must have been about 8am by that time.
I snoozed for a bit then realised I'd better get up if I wanted to be home for The Archers. Up I got, and dressed, and as I was putting on my boots Circus Boy stirred. In an evil parody of the first time, he said, 'what are you doing?'
'I'm going, I need to get some sleep.'
'You've just been asleep, ' he grumped, turning over to face the wall.
I picked up my extensions and flounced out of the room, completely ineffectually.
Downstairs I sat and chatted with his Mum again. Without the extensions and pristine make-up, and with the addition of a stonking hangover I must by now have looked older than her even if I was younger. We talked about how she shouldn't let him walk all over her. She said he would be fine when he sobered up, and that it was often impossible to get any sense out of him when he was off his head. So after a cup of tea, I wandered off home.
Later that afternoon, I got a text from Circus Boy. This I was NOT expecting. I read it, it said 'U left ur inhaler here'. Just that. No kisses, no calling me lovely, or wishing me lots of love or anything. Very stark, but no worse than I'd expected. But what I realised, with a mounting sense of horror, was that he probably thought I'd left it there deliberately so that I'd have to go and get it, thus giving me an excuse to see him. After all, I could die without it.
Well, sometimes there are things more important than death by bronchoconstriction, and pride is one of them. I texted back, 'that's ok, got loads of them, don't need it xx' I added the kisses because that is my custom, and I was showing I am the bigger person. Oh well, repeat prescription first thing Monday it is.
So that's the end of me and Circus Boy, at least that's what I thought at the time. For a short time, I was right....
And then I wasn't [To Be Continued]
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