Sunday, 25 November 2012

Picking up the Pieces

A little pause in the Circus Boy saga, cos we are near the end by now (although he is always popping up, so who knows). I wanted to talk about some recent changes in my life.

The last year has been lost really. Ever since the first Sunday in December last year when Dad collapsed and was taken to hospital with pneumonia, I haven't really had time to do anything except live day to day. My life has been a mess - my house and my work have reflected that pretty much.

It's the little things that get you. I avoid certain rooms at my Mum's cos she leaves piles of his clothes around, as though they still need ironing. Last weekend I went to the shops and had it in my mind to get some pop, then in the aisle I saw it - Schweppes lemonade. I picked it up and put it in my basket, and it was all I could do to not cry right there and then, but I have a well developed stiff upper lip, and I know how to use it. You see, Dad was fussy about his lemonade - he would only drink the cloudy sort, or Schweppes. It took me unawares, seeing that bottle, and reminded me that I was never going to have to buy it for Dad ever, ever again.

Went home and cried and didn't stop for two days.

But otherwise, over the last few weekends I've been getting my life back together. The house is now clean and tidy except for the spare room (which contains all the crap I've moved from the other rooms). I've started to sort out my work. I've started taking my asthma meds properly, and taking my vitamin tablets again. And strangest of all I have stopped drinking.

I've always liked a drink at the weekends. Even if I wasn't going out, I'd have some wine. Then I got a tummy bug, and I've not wanted it since. 4 weekends of no booze - weird. I currently don't see the point in drinking unless I'm socialising, so for now I'm not going to do it.

But the biggest change? The biggest change is a move forwards, not back. My older brother's death 6 years ago was the first time it came home to me that I wasn't immortal, that life was short and not to be wasted. So I got divorced. This time, partly through talking with Circus Boy that festival weekend, I've realised that my Dad lived his life for other people - for his parents, for my mum, for us kids, for his bosses. That's not a completely bad thing, if the people you put first are doing the same for you, and if you aren't losing yourself and your dreams completely. I think Dad did lose out on lots of his dreams. What's worse - I've realised I have no dreams. When me and my husband (my son's dad) split up, I hadn't thought any further than 'being free'. I had no plan of what to do with that freedom. I still don't, but that's going to change, because having no dream to lose saw me in a worse prison (domestic violence) than marriage ever was. I'm now free of Steve, and there's no reason I can't do anything I want - I just have to find something to want :-)

Clean house and clean me. The Invasion of the Bodysnatchers would appear to have begun.

Except it hasn't - this is me, and I am BACK

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