..."I'd rather spend an evening on top of a stepladder in No-Man's Land smoking endless cigarettes through a luminous balaclava."
This morning I wanted to check if my Tesco delivery had any substitutions, so I went into my 'spammy' email account, and lo and behold, awaiting me was this:
Hi Glitterfluff [actually my full name was here, as I used this account for testing MTE emails etc],
Would you like to put your hand up?
Melanie Tonia Evans inc (MTE) is now hiring a new team member for 20 hours of work a week to join our dynamic global business to help share my message and healing with a greater audience.
We are beyond enthused about our current upgrades—a new website, fresh social space, new courses, and the creation and launch of Quanta Freedom Healing™ Training and other upcoming retreats. As such, MTE now requires an experienced, capable digital copywriter to join the team.
We prefer to hire internally, as you are familiar with my voice, message and healing processes.
The skills, capabilities and essence that we seek:
Excellent writing and editing skills with highly accurate spelling and grammar.
Able to communicate professionally, spiritually and compassionately, with an understanding of MTE’s audience.
Proven expertise with digital marketing writing, working with sales pages and funnels with existing and live event products, with proven results.
Expertise and knowledge with copywriting for different social media platform posts and ads.
Ability to create and write email copy and high-open subject lines.
Capacity to create inspired repurposed content.
Can align and work to SEO requirements.
Able to be self-motivated and solve problems.
Close attention to detail and highly organised.
Accountable and honest.
Level-headed, can handle pressure and is a solid team member who is reliable, adaptable and supportive of other team members.
Able to work harmoniously with others.
Strong work ethic - work solidly, efficiently and effectively.
Able to operate systems such as Google Calendar, Zendesk, Canva, Word Docs, Zoom, and Skype. Experience with Active Campaign and WordPress is a bonus.
Ideas, interests, or expertise in video planning, creation, and editing are an added advantage.
You are passionate about soul-healing, making a difference and helping to save lives and souls.
You are inspired and energised about MTE’s mission and expansion.
Because of the nature of internet marketing - this is not a 9-5, 5 days a week job, and you will be required at time to be available for weekends when needed for launches or other projects.
This is an ongoing position with many other possibilities and expansions for you in the future, including a distinct possibility of becoming full-time.
Please apply to support@melanietoniaevans.com with your resume and attach writing examples and references.
Inspired by Chumplady's Universal Bullshit Translator, allow me to use my Fake Guru Bulllshit Translater (FGBT)
Melanie Tonia Evans inc (MTE) is now hiring a new team member for 20 hours of work a week
"What do you mean, slavery is outlawed? I'm ENTITLED to get work for free! Don't they know who I am?? My CHANNEL says payment is optional, so that's all there is to it. But ok, let's cut 'slave' and insert 'team member'. Yes, I know there's just me, you and a dozen teddies I boss about in my bedroom, but the members don't know that.
And yikes! Are there really less than than 200 hours in a week? Oh, go on, knock off a zero then if you must"
a new website, fresh social space, new courses, and the creation and launch of Quanta Freedom Healing™ Training and other upcoming retreats.
"You will be one of the first members of the cult I'm setting up in Cape Trib - Lucky YOU"
We prefer to hire internally, as you are familiar with my voice, message and healing processes.
"Anyone who isn't vulnerable following abuse, and who doesn't already admire me and believe I am a vital necessity to their healing would see straight through my unethical business practices and leave even more quickly than Glitterfluff did, so I'd much prefer a Thriver, who is in awe of me, and who will put up with really bad treatment before they finally get over their cognitive dissonance and see who I really am."
The skills, capabilities and essence that we seek:
"We'd like Glitterfluff and HMerlo back, please, but not with their new bolshy 'boundaries' and other shifty working practices, like wanting to be paid, have time off (bloody hell, I gave them whole HOURS of time where they didn't need to work!!) and have a contract. So if you are exactly like them, but even meeker, I'll snap you up"
Level-headed, can handle pressure and is a solid team member who is reliable, adaptable and supportive of other team members.
"Please understand, by 'supportive of other team members' I mean 'supportive of ME, ME, ME'. Otherwise, I'd like you to be corruptible, so I can bribe you to badmouth your other team members if they dare leave and tell even a tiny part of the truth of what went on.
And by 'supportive of ME' I mean you need to be on call when I split up with my boyfriend, badmouth him, and then hoover him back. I need an audience for this, and I can't possibly tell my followers the truth, as otherwise they'd see what a hypocrite I am - so you will be my audience, cos I have no friends."
Because of the nature of internet marketing - this is not a 9-5, 5 days a week job, and you will be required at time to be available for weekends when needed for launches or other projects.
"Because of the nature of creating a cult (which requires you be deprived of rest so as not to question me), as well as my endless need for validation and adoration, my breakdowns will always happen at the weekend, or at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Plus, my CHANNEL always decides to launch things at that time. Even if I haven't written them yet. But you can write copy, so just crack on with writing me a course, yeah?"
including a distinct possibility of becoming full-time.
"Oh, you will definitely be full-time. And more. You just won't get paid for it. And did I mention you'll be paid less than Australian minimum wage? Even if you are training someone who is on that minimum wage?
Now don't get angry at ME if you find that out, because it's YOUR trauma that meant you didn't ask for higher pay and negotiate a contract - and anyway, I didn't know, and so it wasn't my fault! After all, I'll endlessly promise pay rises and holidays (once MTE isn't falling off a cliff)! Aren't promises enough?
Please also bear in mind that at all times my stock of gold bars must continue to grow, no matter what MTE is in danger of falling off a cliff. So please don't complain about anything, but simply remember that The Channel Has Spoken and so you must obey without question.
And if you think any of that is unreasonable, you really need to go and shift, you 3D normie loser"
Tempting, huh?
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