The Circus Boy Always Rings Twice

Those of you who have been reading for a while (or who know me in real life) will possibly remember me giving the brush-off to Circus Boy after finally getting sick to the back teeth with his antics over the charity unicycle ride. Like me, you probably assumed that this was the last I would see of Circus Boy's sorry arse, apart from a minor sighting during Carnival when I wasn't sure if he was ignoring me or hadn't seen me, and a 'from-the-car' sighting when he raised his arm to wave, then pulled it down again quickly as I stared stonily in the opposite direction.

Really, we should all have realised that he was bound to turn up sooner or later when he wanted something - and so he did, one Thursday in the school summer holidays. As usual, I was looking a bit less than lovely, this time wearing a round necked t-shirt. Round-necked T-shirts always make me look like Hattie Jacques - all low-slung boobs and excessive flabbage.

I heard a knock on the door and answered it thinking that it was someone wanting to discuss the state of my fascias and guttering. You can imagine how it felt - that awkward moment when you come face to face with the person whose texts and calls you have been avoiding since February. Except after Feb I don't think he texted or called anyway, he's not as unbalanced as Steve (though this is no great compliment).

We said hello, and I invited him in and gave him a cup of tea out of sheer confusion. Son was in and made a small deal about pretty much ignoring him. After a little small talk, I said, 'so what are you doing here; what do you want?'

'Nothing, I was just passing, so I thought I'd pop in and say hello.'

'Oh. Only I haven't seen you since that night just before the charity unicycle....'

'Oh yes, I wanted to tell you about that too - I did it, and it's on YouTube, so you can look it up and make sure I did do it....' and he went on to tell me in great detail all about it and the charities. It's true, checked it out after he left.

However - maybe I'm being picky, but by this time it was August, and the unicycle ride was February. Had he lost the use of his mouth for the whole of that time?

I did manage to get distracted by his tales of his new girlfriend, and here we had perhaps the reason why he had turned up. He was wondering did I need a haircut? Because she cuts hair, and he thinks she should build her confidence by cutting hair for people he knows. This isn't actually a bad thing, because I never go to the hairdresser's, and the answer to 'do you need a haircut?' in my case is invariably 'yes'. But I was wary of agreeing to anything, as I can just imagine Circus Boy with his girlfriend - 'oooh, yes, you should cut people's hair more... <remembers erstwhile fling he met last summer, the day after she had gonked her hair>...In fact, I know just the person - and it won't even matter if you completely mess it up, her hair looks utter shite anyway!' So I said I'd call him if I decided I did need a haircut. Instantaneously realising this was never going to happen.

But lucky me, he gave me two of his cards, because he has a business renting out sound systems, and was telling me about how he now has a van and a car, courtesy of his dad. So if anyone ever needs a sound-system.....

Finally he was telling me about how his girlfriend goes to a local pub (that he is unfortunately barred from) every Thursday. And then, at last, he asked about me - but I'd just got as far as talking about my spiritual awareness group that is a couple of doors down from him, and he lost interest, mostly because he thinks the group leader had complained about his music being too loud once. Not that this was a bad thing, but it meant he decided right then and there to go and have a chat to her about the group and general spiritual things.

And that was that, off he went. Well, I did kind of encourage him to go to see her before 9pm, because he is far too much trouble: he was giving me that searching look that is a bit sexy but kind of freaks me out, and I think he is not actually my friend, I think he is after something.

Once he'd left, I asked Son, 'well, I wonder what that was all about?'

'He wanted sex.'

I wasn't so sure. So I took to Facebook to ask what people thought he had wanted. 'Oh Karen, what do you THINK he wanted?' was the consensus.

In retrospect, I think that's right. I think it was Thursday, and his girlfriend was busy, so he thought he'd chance his arm. The Hattie Jacques t-shirt is probably all that saved me from a more obvious proposition - oh, and the ever-present and distinctly unimpressed Son of course.

Since then, no more Circus Boy. Is that the end of that? I suspect so. Until his girlfriend turns crazy. They always turn crazy on him (according to him). I wonder......

Circus Boy Over and Out

(Nicked from Baggage Reclaim)

In the end, and bearing in mind that I had by now chucked Circus Boy out in the early hours twice now, I DID text him a good luck message on Tuesday night last week. No reply, but I wasn't particularly bothered, cos there wouldn't have been much to say.

Wednesday we set off for Edinburgh quite early, and it is fair to say that during the journey my mind was with Circus Boy, wondering if he was managing the 20 mile charity unicycle ride ok. Son wasn't feeling too well on the way up, not sure what was wrong, but h was off his food, and when we got to the Premier Inn, he didn't want to do anything except settle in, watch TV then have an early tea in the on-site restaurant. By 6.30 he was in his bed, and I was watching DVDs on his laptop so as not to disturb him. HOWEVER, I had my phone on vibrate, right on my tummy, so as not to miss the call from Circus Boy, because I was excited to hear how he had got on, and also was by now planning wedding dresses, party favours and the like. Ok, so I wasn't really - I was actually planning fit sex on Saturday night, but that doesn't sound so romantic an may even slightly dull folks' sympathy, and I do like to play to the audience.

7pm came and went. As did 8pm and 9pm. By 9.30 I didn't know whether to be worried or annoyed. I sent a text saying, 'did you make it ok?' Note the lack of 'xx', which is my habitual text ending unless it is work. Friends who are reading, here is a little tip. If you have let me down and you get a text without even a single 'x', then you can assume I am royally pissed off with you. One 'x' meaning I am merely disappointed in you, and most of all you've let yourself down.

No reply. 10.30 came and went. So by now I am silently (so as not to awaken Son) apoplectic. IT'S JUST A FECKING TEXT! All that is required is a quick 'yes' or 'no' answer, I will assume you are celebrating your success and all will be well. Have to say, this really annoys me generally - when I send a text, or put a message on FB, and I know it's been seen and there's no reply. It's like talking to someone who just turns away and ignores you. Downright rude in my book.

So anyway, it of course occurred to me that he may be in hospital unconscious or in prison. In either of these cases, his phone would be off. So I called to see if it rang - and it DID! So NO EXCUSES, he was just completely ignoring me. So I fired off an arsey text: 'Wel since ur not in prison or hospital, it would appear that my suspicion that you only communicate wiv me wen u want something was correct. If u want something in future, just ask & please don't waste both our time with the pretending to be a friend thing.'

Thus satisfied, I fell asleep.

Next day Son was fully recovered and we had a brilliant day at Edinburgh Zoo, including seeing the pandas and watching their mating behaviour, and then we went to the sea at North Berwick. On the way back, my phone rang, but Son couldn't get it out of the back of the car fast enough. It was Circus Boy, but whereas usually I would have pulled over and phoned him back, I really couldn't be bothered. Instead, when we were back at the Premier Inn, I texted, 'sorry missed call, was driving.' He didn't respond in any way.

Friday we spent the whole day in Edinburgh, doing the bus tour, Our Dynamic Earth, and Edinburgh Castle (including the Honours of Scotland and the room where James VI and I was born). We also ate at my favourite Italian restaurant, Gordon's, which has gone upmarket in decor, but the food is exactly how I remembered it. 

Saturday we made really good time, and were home by lunchtime, so we watched a 'Miranda' marathon in the afternoon. I am a total convert.

Sunday night I had a text from Circus Boy 'what's got into you now? How am I a user?' Aaaah! Sending a provocative text are we?! Ha, that didn't work, I didn't even see it cos I had gone to bed, and I wouldn't have responded anyway.

Then last night he called, and again I didn't answer it (just imagined Heather Small singing 'what have you done today to make you feel proud?'). He can damn well bugger off, it's too late being over me like a particularly garrulous rash now. If he hadn't been so busy talking about himself the other night, he would have heard how being with Steve has made me look at my life and decide I'm tired of fake relationships, even friendships. Yes, I could treat him the way he treats me, and not reply to his texts or calls, then call him when I want something, but I'm not like that, and that isn't a friendship. In any case, people like that aren't interested in people who play them at their own game - they want soft-hearted forgiving people who let them get away with murder, just like I used to do. But no more. No drama, no arguments, but in future I will silently and deadlily (not really a word, but should be) remove the dead wood from the forest of my life. 

SNIP, SNIP!

Circus Boy and the Charity Unicycle

This weekend was a time of anonymous booty texts. First was on Saturday, when I got a text from someone asking if I was out. I texted back 'who is this?' and it turns out it was some cop-off from *ages* ago. Well, nope, I was in bed. Alone. On a Saturday. This is my life now. But far better that than be out with some scumbag who thinks he can just pop up when he feels like it and that will be fine. <DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT!!>

So I texted back, 'y u contactin me now?'. Scumbag replied, 'cos I've been away xx :-)' Stick your kisses and smiley faces, I am nto impressed, Mister.

'Oh yes, away in that place where they chop off your fingers....'

Unsurprisingly, that was the end of that.

On Monday morning, I awoke to find a missed call and a text from  a number I didn't recognise. The text said, 'hey karen, how are you? Hopefully see you soon :-)X' Although I didn't recognise the number, I kind of assumed from the content that it was probably Circus Boy with a new phone, and I texted him back later on Monday (when chances are he would be up) saying, 'yeah, good, ta. Who is this?'  Then I got a bit worried and paranoid that it was someone to do with Steve trying to find stuff out about me.

But first guess had been right, it was Circus Boy. He phoned on Monday evening to see if he could come over to see me. I hadn't bothered to pick up the last time he phoned, cos I find him slightly exhausting (and not a in a sexual way!), but this time I was feeling on top form, so I thought why not, but I did say I had to be up early in the morning, sort of making it clear I wasn't up for shenanigans. Or so I thought.

He turns up here at a pretty early time for him, and since it was only yesterday I am able to remember all the things we talked about. I say 'we'. In fact, he talked while I kind of sat here open-mouthed at his performance over the next 8 hours.

First we had a run-down of what he has been up to recently - by which I mean yesterday, when he was fundraising for charity (even going on local radio) and almost got arrested for winding up a Policeman who didn't really 'get' him. So he put up a big sign outside the police station slagging them off. He is now trying to get sponsors for his unicycle ride of 20 miles, whilst simultaneously avoiding the police. This was also why he had a new phone number, as they had his old number and he no longer wants to speak to them!

Also, he is in a play, and 'getting kit together to make music'. To prove this, he performed his part in the play, and was trying to get me to act the other parts, but erm, I don't know them! And then he asked about me, and I told him we had been to a Doctor Who convention and met David Tennant and Billie Piper, to which he said, 'Oh, yes, I saw the.... I mean you told me last time I was here.' This is a lie, I'm almost a hundred per cent sure I didn't tell him about it because I doubt I'd have had chance (he was only here a few hours), and he wouldn't have SEEN anything cos the photo was in Son's room. He'd seen it on my Facebook before I blocked him, I am SURE.

Then he was talking about every girlfriend he has had since he was 15. This was actually really interesting, and arose because he'd started talking about what he had learned from one of his recent girlfriends, that he had been trying to 'save'. I'd said, 'have you never had a normal girlfriend? Have they all been horrible or crazy?' cause to listen to him you would think so. After hearing the run-down of his lovelife for the last 10 years,I know it is true, with the exception of one three month relationship with another girl so nice that when they split, she let him stay in her house with his new girlfriend. Oh - yes, wait up - that is CRAZY!

Then he goes, 'this is what my friends say I'm doing wrong, I'm going for all these girls who are needy and drain me of energy, when I would be better off with someone who is sorted and caring.' Long stare. Luckily, I can spot a 'let me in your pants, love' phrase when I hear one.

He then asked if I thought I had learned anything from my previous relationships. I started to say about how the relationship with Steve had turned my life around cos of making me look at why I'd let it happen etc, and then when I mentioned how I'd always thought of my childhood as happy until I looked back and realised it wasn't like other people's, he sort of jumped in and told me all the ins and outs of his relationship with his parents and siblings. Not gonna write it here, but suffice it to say that it raised a few red flags in my mind, to do with violence and also to do with his relationship with his mother. I've always wondered if he sees me as a mother figure, and the amount of counselling I did last night on this family subject makes me more sure that it is at least part of it.

So eventually he started saying how well I was looking, and we were talking about keeping fit. By this time, it is the early hours, and I had sort of thought to myself, 'I could easily be friends with this guy, and the red flags then won't matter, because it's just friends, and he is so funny, and he gets me, in fact, I feel astonishingly normal around him, and I don't think I even fancy him any more.' When at this point we started showing off our exercise achievements to eachother. Oh Jillian Michaels, you are definitely my hero, he was very impressed by my variations on a press-up, and he was showing me some others, and some yoga moves, and then he got hot and took off his clothes, and OH MY GOD I SO DO FANCY HIM.

All that was left was to put the world to rights for a bit  - again, this was his vision, not really mine, I was more of an interviewer, and I was not Jeremy Paxman. Then I sort of said how he would need to go because I had to be up at 6.30am - it was probably getting on to 4 by this time. He went to do a roll-up for the road, and was saying I should come and see him finish his unicycle ride tomorrow (Wednesday). I told him I am off to Scotland so I can't. He then said I should come to the open-mic night on Thursday, but again, I am in Scotland. It's not like it's likely I would drive up for the day!

Then when he'd rolled his fag, he said, 'can I stay?' Dear God, it's like last time revisited! NO! But I was nice about it - it was only cos I did need some sleep cos Tuesdays are a tough work day for me.

I told him to text me to let me know he'd made it through his unicycle ride ok (I'd already sponsored him), and he said he would do better than that and ring me after 7, when he has his free minutes. A big hug and a little kiss and a quick discussion about the sky and the state of the moon, and he was gone.

It has only been after the fact that I have realised I have missed out on FIT SEX. If I can break beds when I am a lazy non-exercising mare, what am I capable of now? I may never know! And there is also the little matter of me liking him more whenever I spend time with him. That's the reason I didn't just go for the easy shag, cos I don't want to get too involved and hurt. Even so, I didn't sleep a damn wink, was too buzzing,  might just as well have let him stay.

He's a strange boy, and still WAY TOO YOUNG, and I cannot for the life of me think why he wants to shag me after hearing the rundown of all his lovely YOUNG girlfriends. I try very hard to tell myself he is just looking for an easy shag, although surely there mist be easier ones out there? I cannnot work out what he wants from me. But I hold out a little hope, and an even littler torch. I am now going to text him a good luck message for tomorrow, and try not to wonder about whether he really will phone. I'm not usually a first texter, but I'm thinking I have knocked him back twice now, maybe I should show a little bit of interest to make up for it.

Or should I?