Circus Boy 9 - Conversation

A little bit I forgot that I'd wanted to put into last night's post.

By the time that weekend had ended, I really felt like we knew eachother quite well, because we'd been in a car or talking outside for massive wodges of time, and especially on the second day, when I was upset about Dad, it was all quite intense, and for me very cathartic. But this conversation was from the first day, and was a bit of a recurring theme until I dropped him home.

At the first festival Circus Boy was having a right old fret about some friends who hadn't turned up. Apparently they (a couple of girls, I think) had been supposed to be meeting him with their camper van, but they hadn't even responded to his texts. So we spent a bit of time looking for their camper van in the car park field (this did not take long as there were only about four vehicles there), and he spent a LOT of time texting them and then trying to phone them.

Finally he got through to them, and then I really wished they'd carried on ignoring him, because it precipitated another one of his emotional tantrums. I don't know if it is all the drugs, or if this is his character, but it is one of the most trying parts of being around him - you are so dependent on his mood, When Circus Boy is happy, he makes the world a wonderful place to be. When he is angry, he is angry with everyone and everything in the vicinity.

So once he'd stropped about how awful they were, and how people always let him down, and how he would never do anything like that to a friend, and he'd thought they were good friends of his, but LOOK, they really weren't, and he was sick of how many times people he thought were friends turned out not to be, I finally got the story from him.

The girls HAD come to the festival, but when they had found they had to pay to get in, they had decided not to bother. I secretly couldn't blame them (there wasn't a Cat on a Turntable, remember), but I did think they could have phoned/texted to let him know.

'Well, that's it, I'm not speaking to them again anyway, even if they want to meet up some other time,' he declared.

'How long have you known them?' I asked - partly thinking he was probably over reacting and it wasn't worth losing a friendship over, but partly remembering the 'love of his life who had shagged his mate' that he had known for all of two weeks.

'About two weeks,' he said. I obviously wasn't surprised.

'I think there's a bit of a pattern here, Circus Boy,' I siad. 'You've known them even less time than we've known eachother, yet you made all these judgements and had all these expectations, when really, you can't know anyone at all in such a short time.

'I know you! I know you owuldn't let me down.'

'No, you know I didn't let you down this time - who knows what I might do another time, because you've only known me about a month, you haven't seen more than a few glimpses of me, a lot of what you see is me presenting my best face, because I don't know you well. And that's all I've seen of you too [I didn't mention that the fact his 'best face' included so many tantrums was a teensy bit worrying to me]. So all I know at the moment is that I like the parts of you that you've shown me so far, but I have to wait and see if I like what you show me in future before I make rash judgments. But you're deciding people are wonderful on first meeting, and then expecting them to act that way, and then getting angry with them when they don't. But it isn't their fault, because they haven't change,d they were always like that, you just didn't know them.'

He wasn't convinced, I knew. 'Yeah, but I can tell what people are like by their aura, and the vibes they give out.'

'Oh Circus, Boy, if that was true, you wouldn't so often be let down by people, because you'd be expecting them to act flaky. There's a good website that I've found really useful in sorting out where I was going wrong with men, but it works for all relationships and working out who is worthwhile and who isn't, it's called Baggage Reclaim, you should google it.'

I never thought he would, and we returned to this subject many times over the weekend, because a lot of the people we met, who he introduced me to at festival 2, you would have thought they'd been friends for years, and this mostly wasn't the case - in most cases I knew the work colleagues I met better than he knew his friends (and I didn't know my work colleagues that well). It never occurred to me that he would look at the website I recommended. Much less use it against me.....

Circus Boy 8 - Memory of a Free Festival (or two)

About two weeks passed, and I had completely put Circus Boy out of my mind. Now don't get me wrong, I really had liked him, but ever since Steve I am a lot more wary about men. I no longer fall headlong into them like I used to - and this is a good thing. I kind of sit back and wait now - I see what they are really like rather than falling for my vision of what I think they might be like or what I think they could become like. So all the way through, much as I enjoyed his company, I also saw many MANY potential problems that said we were not suited. Now this is a major advance for me - because (as an example) Circus Boy has the same surname as Steve (no, they aren't related, I made sure of that), and his birthday is the same as the day me and Steve met. Ridiculous as it might sound, in the past I would have taken these coincidences as being a omen - a sign that we were meant to be together.

So I hadn't thought too far into the future (aside from planning our hippy wedding, obvs), and after his little display that last night, I really felt no regrets about walking away. Well, maybe a regret at no more hot-24- year-old in my bed, but hey.

It thus came as a bit of a shocker when he phoned one Friday night. Now the funny thing was, I'd only been chatting with K_ at the clinic the week before, and I'd said he was binned, and she'd said, 'yeah, until he phones you up with a sob story and then he'll have you eating out of his hand again.' How I laughed.

'So you need someone to drive you to two festivals tomorrow? Ok then.'

Now I can make an excuse and pretend that I did it out of the kindness of my heart, but that isn't strictly true. He needed someone to ferry around his fire stuff and DJing stuff, and his Dad couldn't do it. I would imagine pretty much everyone he knew couldn't do it either, cos I'm damn sure I wasn't the first he rang. Thing is, I didn't have a lot on. I was a bit of a heel, cos I was meant to be going to Sue's house on Saturday for a night of girly chat, wine and food with her and Heather, and I phoned her up not only to cancel but to talk about what to wear, what to take etc. I am NOT a good friend, am I? Still, they had the last laugh....

But I just could not resist the chance to DO something - something exciting, something to make me feel alive. You know, life when you aren't abused is much easier, and much happier, but dear God, compared to the adrenaline rushes and the long-term stresses and the walking on eggshells, at times it can feel DULL. And here was the chance to go to not one but TWO festivals, free - cos Circus Boy would pay for everything.

I went to bed that Friday night feeling like Cinderella about to go to the ball. But first I had to sort out three million things - dry food for the cat, holiday food for the fish, money, packing a bag, what to take etc. Finally I left the house on Saturday morning about 11.15 - I was supposed to pick Circus Boy up at 11.

So imagine my surprise when he gestured me around to the back door and he opened it WEARING ONLY HIS PANTS. And DEAR GOD were they small! Or was he big, I just couldn't bring myself to examine properly for fear of blushing, because I had already decided that it was friends only from now on.

So in typical Circus Boy style, he sat me down at the table and made me some revolting green tea while he ate breakfast, then sat chatting for ages, before discovering that his directions to the first festival were locked in his father's office. And his father wasn't in. So there followed a very tense conversation, unreasonable as ever on Circus Boy's end, that ended with his Dad deciding that the only thing to do was to come and let us in there.

Circus Boy went off to have a shower, leaving me to deal with Dad. Who wasn't best pleased to find that when he unlocked the office, the directions weren't there. So Spoiled Bastard Circus Boy threw a complete strop and had a proper paddy about this - because of course it was all his father's fault. I can't really describe it, it was like watching a toddler. And his Dad didn't really say a word, except to say Circus Boy was being unreasonable, and that he would go and get some instructions online. Which he did. Then, while Circus Boy got all his stuff together, his Dad began to load the dishwasher, and I helped him, while he asked me questions that appeared to be primarily designed to suss out my age - 'so how old were you during the miner's strike?'

So finally we get in the car about 1pm, and set off to the festival. Via three out-of-town shopping parks trying to buy paraffin. FFS, you're a fire-juggler, did it not enter your head to get some paraffin beforehand???

FINALLY we were on the road, and at this point things picked up dramatically. We were halfway there on the motorway, and we'd been chatting most of the way (well, Circus Boy had been telling me all about how his parents had screwed him up), then out of the blue he said, 'you're a really good driver, aren't you?'

I must have looked at him a bit shocked (I was) cos he continued, 'yeah, you're really quick and decisive, you're fast, but safe, and you don't get distracted, you always know what's going on around you.'

Well HELL YES! Thing is, I've always known I'm a good driver, cos I did an advanced driving course in Scotland, when the Trust paid for it because it lowered their car lease-holder insurance premiums. But Steve had always insisted I was a rubbish driver, nowhere near as good as him. Him with his provisional license cos he's never passed his test, probably because he drives like an utter boyracer cunt.

Finally we got to the first festival. You know Father Ted? Well this was Craggy Island Funland, but without the attraction of the Cat on the Tunrtable. It honestly looked something like this:

But first impressions dispelled, I actually had a really good time at this festival. I would have had an even better one if I'd been able to have more than one glass of wine, but I had a job to do, and I was going to do it to the best of my abilities. Cicus Boy did his DJing pretty early on, and that was a bit boring really, cos it's not my sort of music, but I wandered off and the bands here were pretty good, so the afternoon really flew by. We spent a lot of the time sitting on the grass listening to the bands and talking. Once it got dark, Circus Boy did his fire thing, and that was really cool, he is very good at it.

So by the time all this was done and packed away, it was gone 11, so off we sped to festival number two.

I was doing really well with the driving, I thought. In fact, the driving back to Circus Boy's house was the best bit of the whole trip. He was on a high from performing, and so he was playing music really loud, and I was feeling very useful and ALIVE, and it was a motorway drag so it was really fast. Back at Circus Boy's house, we unloaded the car and loaded up more fire stuff, before setting off for festival number two.

Now at least Craggy Island Funland had been next to a town that was on the map. No such luck with festival number two. It took me an hour to get to within a mile of it, and then another hour and a half finding the actual place. It didn't help that my finely tuned aggression antenna was picking up that this was really pissing Circus Boy off, especially when I found it a bit funny. Cos none of this was my fault, I was only following his navigation, yet he seemed to want to blame it all on me.

FINALLY we found the place - only for me to miss a turning on the way in, and end up in a ploughed field, driving round and round :-O  Worse - the field was on a hill, so everyone at the festival could see us!

So we gets there about 3am, but undeterred Circus Boy set up his fire and did his thing, whilst I did my best to get very quickly drunk (I had SO much catching up to do!) at the real ale tent. I don't like real ale.

But the funny thing was, there were people I knew there! Some people I work with were there - and even odder, one of them knew Circus Boy, and had done 'for years'. Once all this was done we went and sat around a fire until the sun came up. I had about three hours sleep in the car, and then got up to try to sort out my extensions. Yes, I had worn extensions. Yes, I am mad. Yes, it is impossible to sort out extensions in a portaloo.

The second day was actually quite emotional for me. It started out quite funny, cos it was chucking it down with rain, but Circus Boy was determined to do his DJ set, so he set up his decks in the open air, and covered them, and him, with a tarpaulin. This is him doing his set. And in the background is my little green car :-)

As you can see, this festival wasn't exactly Glastonbury either. In fact, the slightly odd thing about this festival is that there were only two acts on the Sunday. So there was a LOT of downtime. I drank a lot of hot chocolate with some friends of Circus Boy. At one point we did some 'balloons', which I thought was going to be helium, but felt very much like the gas and air you have when giving birth, so that was possibly the highlight of my day. The other highlight was looking at the picture Heather sent the day before of the food she'd eaten at Sue's. I was cold and a bit upset by now. This was happening while my Dad was ill, and my sister had phoned to say he was ok, but I was tired, and not even the slightest bit drunk, but very emotional.

The odd thing was, Circus Boy is actually very good at dealing with emotional distress. We talked a lot about Dad, and about my Mum and our difficult relationship, only complicated by her dementia, and my feelings about it.

We had to go back home about 3, so that I could be home in time for my son getting back from his Dad's. It was a lovely sunny journey home, and we were talking about nice things, like his plans for the future (getting a van and driving everywhere he wants to go) and his future travel plans (South America), and we parted on a very friendly basis. In fact, the looks he had been giving me during the weekend, and the talks we had had, and the hug that he gave me when we parted, all sort of led me to think that maybe Circus Boy was back on the scene properly.

I was unwashed, had greasy hair and matted extensions, but none of that mattered, I felt like The Business, because I had spent my weekend doing something unusual with someone I liked - who I thought might like me too.

I especially thought this when he texted the next day to say thank you and what a good time he had had, oh and had he left a box of CDs in the car? He had, so I texted I'd pop them round after work the next day (Tuesday) and would leave them round the back if he wasn't in.

Which I did. And this is my facebook status (and my replies to some comments) afterwards:

"OMG, does the boy never wear any clothes, or was he lurking in pants deliberately? And he grabbed me! Lucky I had to go to take Mum to see Dad, or my resolve may very well have gone right out the window. I am so shallow, this is definitely making me reconsider my turning down the role of on-call shag. :-O"

"And was very flustered as due to steps up to the door, when he opened it, my eyes were at crotch level."

"Haha, I swear I almost choked on my own drool! then had to try to talk sensibly while he was wanting to know about the postage costs for LED juggling skittles. I wanted to say, 'how can you expect me to have a sensible conversation when your tackle is RIGHT THERE, look, RIGHT THERE!!!!!" 

Given all this, I was fairly hopeful that I would see him fairly soon, even though I'd had to run away pretty sharpish to go to see Dad. We'd got on really well at times, and I had come back from the festivals on a real high, I'd felt absolutely wonderful, like my weekend had been worthwhile and like my life was finally getting back on track.

Unsurprisingly, at this point Circus Boy disappeared again. But not for good.....