Deja Viewing

I think I've mentioned before how there's something about Timothy West that reminds me of my Dad. I watch him on his barge programmes, and on Eastenders, because sometimes (more often on the barge than on Eastenders) he'll do a 'Dad' look, or a smile, and it is sort of comforting. In the same way as stalking old men around Tesco's if they remind me of Dad is, but without the potential for freaking out innocent elderly men. 

Unsurprisingly, it was a bit of a shock to find out that Stan Carter, Timothy West's character in Eastenders, had prostate cancer (the cancer Dad died of). That was nothing to Tuesday's episode though. 'Old'Stan was a curmudgeonly character, not like my Dad at all. Of course, in true soap style, he has mellowed, and we have seen a more sensitive and vulnerable side to him of late. Then after all that softening up, what happens? He only suddenly goes off his legs, doesn't he? The exact same thing as happened to my Dad. It was horrific to watch, I went through all the emotions of that night again. Same cause as well - metastases in the spine. 

Now I get to watch my pseudo-Dad die in exactly the same way as my real Dad did. Not so much deja vue as deja view. 

At least if it gets too much I can change channel this time. Real life is a single channel you don't get to turn off.

Worst Week EVER

So as if having what I thought was a stroke (long story, it was probably a migraine), and then my Dad dying were not bad enough, the week just got a whole lot worse.

Was sitting here when my phone went - a Cardiff number, which is odd, but I answered.

'Hello,' I said

'Hello' went the person

'This is Karen Field'

'Yes, I know. And you know who this is.'

'No I don't'

'Yes you do.'

In that second I did. It's been three months since I heard that voice - Steve. He's out of prison. He's heading back to Telford. I love the life I have now, I have no wish to ever see him again.

And yes, I'm scared.