tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49040509879992066342024-03-23T12:14:05.146-07:00The Girl Who Finally Grew UpIt took me 51 years, but I finally realised I'm a grown-up. This blog contains occasional exaggeration for your added reading pleasure, but sadly most of it (and ALL of the stuff about MTE) is completely true. Recollections may vary, but I have receipts. NB: In all cases where patients are referred to, names, personal details, diagnoses, biographies and circumstances are altered so as to prevent identification. Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.comBlogger87125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-46386656567856835862024-03-20T04:21:00.000-07:002024-03-20T04:27:10.401-07:00In The Immortal Words of Captain Blackadder.....<p> <span style="font-family: arial;">..."</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #0f1419; font-family: arial; white-space-collapse: preserve;">I'd rather spend an evening on top of a stepladder in No-Man's Land smoking endless cigarettes through a luminous balaclava."</span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #0f1419; font-family: arial; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><br /></span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC-taLaT2vQda3WfnOnVKMXIKKYwtKm-dZtSE9Mv7x9F7Ni1Jp_pj3MPJmoC9icn2pA8N7Yb5Tfcnp3EQ6rEEjAhJpQSCPT-E3x8jVsAXxfP5lq9IkggA76MFeHUsTUOlHsGt000tt2MwtJnnS0RZYhFyldMVNpOQF1u37qNcTFYP-HvjanXTD4yihG1A/s500/Humble-Enough-To-Know-Im-Replaceable.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" height="355" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC-taLaT2vQda3WfnOnVKMXIKKYwtKm-dZtSE9Mv7x9F7Ni1Jp_pj3MPJmoC9icn2pA8N7Yb5Tfcnp3EQ6rEEjAhJpQSCPT-E3x8jVsAXxfP5lq9IkggA76MFeHUsTUOlHsGt000tt2MwtJnnS0RZYhFyldMVNpOQF1u37qNcTFYP-HvjanXTD4yihG1A/w355-h355/Humble-Enough-To-Know-Im-Replaceable.jpg" width="355" /></a></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #0f1419; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #0f1419; white-space-collapse: preserve;">This morning I wanted to check if my Tesco delivery had any substitutions, so I went into my 'spammy' email account, and lo and behold, awaiting me was this:</span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #0f1419; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><br /></span></p></span><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><blockquote><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Hi Glitterfluff <i>[actually my full name was here, as I used this account for testing MTE emails etc]</i>,</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Would you like to put your hand up?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Melanie Tonia Evans inc (MTE) is now hiring a new team member for 20 hours of work a week to join our dynamic global business to help share my message and healing with a greater audience.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">We are beyond enthused about our current upgrades—a new website, fresh social space, new courses, and the creation and launch of Quanta Freedom Healing™ Training and other upcoming retreats. As such, MTE now requires an experienced, capable digital copywriter to join the team.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">We prefer to hire internally, as you are familiar with my voice, message and healing processes.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">The skills, capabilities and essence that we seek:</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Excellent writing and editing skills with highly accurate spelling and grammar.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Able to communicate professionally, spiritually and compassionately, with an understanding of MTE’s audience.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Proven expertise with digital marketing writing, working with sales pages and funnels with existing and live event products, with proven results.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Expertise and knowledge with copywriting for different social media platform posts and ads.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Ability to create and write email copy and high-open subject lines.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Capacity to create inspired repurposed content.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Can align and work to SEO requirements.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Able to be self-motivated and solve problems.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Close attention to detail and highly organised.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Accountable and honest.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Level-headed, can handle pressure and is a solid team member who is reliable, adaptable and supportive of other team members.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Able to work harmoniously with others.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Strong work ethic - work solidly, efficiently and effectively.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Able to operate systems such as Google Calendar, Zendesk, Canva, Word Docs, Zoom, and Skype. Experience with Active Campaign and WordPress is a bonus.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Ideas, interests, or expertise in video planning, creation, and editing are an added advantage.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">You are passionate about soul-healing, making a difference and helping to save lives and souls. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">You are inspired and energised about MTE’s mission and expansion.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Because of the nature of internet marketing - this is not a 9-5, 5 days a week job, and you will be required at time to be available for weekends when needed for launches or other projects.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">This is an ongoing position with many other possibilities and expansions for you in the future, including a distinct possibility of becoming full-time.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Please apply to support@melanietoniaevans.com with your resume and attach writing examples and references.</span></p></blockquote><p><br /></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Inspired by <a href="https://www.chumplady.com/" target="_blank">Chumplady's</a> Universal Bullshit Translator, allow me to use my Fake Guru Bulllshit Translater (FGBT)</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><blockquote>Melanie Tonia Evans inc (MTE) is now hiring a new team member for 20 hours of work a week </blockquote><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">"What do you mean, slavery is outlawed? I'm ENTITLED to get work for free! Don't they know who I am?? My CHANNEL says payment is optional, so that's all there is to it. But ok, let's cut 'slave' and insert 'team member'. Yes, I know there's just me, you and a dozen teddies I boss about in my bedroom, but the members don't know that. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">And yikes! Are there really less than than 200 hours in a week? Oh, go on, knock off a zero then if you must" </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><blockquote>a new website, fresh social space, new courses, and the creation and launch of Quanta Freedom Healing™ Training and other upcoming retreats. </blockquote><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">"You will be one of the first members of the cult I'm setting up in Cape Trib - Lucky YOU"</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><blockquote>We prefer to hire internally, as you are familiar with my voice, message and healing processes.</blockquote><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">"Anyone who isn't vulnerable following abuse, and who doesn't already admire me and believe I am a vital necessity to their healing would see straight through my unethical business practices and leave even more quickly than Glitterfluff did, so I'd much prefer a Thriver, who is in awe of me, and who will put up with really bad treatment before they finally get over their cognitive dissonance and see who I really am."</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><blockquote>The skills, capabilities and essence that we seek:</blockquote><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">"We'd like Glitterfluff and HMerlo back, please, but not with their new bolshy 'boundaries' and other shifty working practices, like wanting to be paid, have time off (bloody hell, I gave them whole HOURS of time where they didn't need to work!!) and have a contract. So if you are exactly like them, but even meeker, I'll snap you up"</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><blockquote>Level-headed, can handle pressure and is a solid team member who is reliable, adaptable and supportive of other team members.</blockquote><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">"Please understand, by 'supportive of other team members' I mean 'supportive of ME, ME, ME'. Otherwise, I'd like you to be corruptible, so I can bribe you to badmouth your other team members if they dare leave and tell even a tiny part of the truth of what went on. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">And by 'supportive of ME' I mean you need to be on call when I split up with my boyfriend, badmouth him, and then hoover him back. I need an audience for this, and I can't possibly tell my followers the truth, as otherwise they'd see what a hypocrite I am - so you will be my audience, cos I have no friends."</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><blockquote>Because of the nature of internet marketing - this is not a 9-5, 5 days a week job, and you will be required at time to be available for weekends when needed for launches or other projects.</blockquote><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">"Because of the nature of creating a cult (which requires you be deprived of rest so as not to question me), as well as my endless need for validation and adoration, my breakdowns will always happen at the weekend, or at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Plus, my CHANNEL always decides to launch things at that time. Even if I haven't written them yet. But you can write copy, so just crack on with writing me a course, yeah?"</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><blockquote>including a distinct possibility of becoming full-time.</blockquote><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">"Oh, you will definitely be full-time. And more. You just won't get paid for it. And did I mention you'll be paid less than Australian minimum wage? Even if you are training someone who is on that minimum wage? </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Now don't get angry at ME if you find that out, because it's YOUR trauma that meant you didn't ask for higher pay and negotiate a contract - and anyway, I didn't know, and so it wasn't my fault! After all, I'll endlessly promise pay rises and holidays (once MTE isn't falling off a cliff)! Aren't promises enough? </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Please also bear in mind that at all times <strike>my stock of gold bars must continue to grow, no matter what</strike> MTE<b> is</b> in danger of falling off a cliff. So please don't complain about anything, but simply remember that The Channel Has Spoken and so you must obey without question. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">And if you think any of that is unreasonable, you really need to go and shift, you 3D normie loser"</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Tempting, huh?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p>Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-61157579738649855342024-03-13T05:07:00.000-07:002024-03-13T05:09:16.003-07:00Playing Cult Spot-The-Difference<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOf16F_f4Dl0Lfn9t0iR9yWIxkjb-z2IGbULzQOUPGGqCmSRs5nr-7-FbJaYvQ11IQjPo8Fm4JLVpp5g2hfCPX4HtVCC6GVRE70z-oDFJ3LohHDoTbTS-_6i9amEfl2bnRwzcdrQJfIBhtWrUZ9XhKdcsC5j80uf1OmglpNM8jl0WdyfnkGOuvXC0oT-E/s1000/CX903282-5003-5003002-100.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1000" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOf16F_f4Dl0Lfn9t0iR9yWIxkjb-z2IGbULzQOUPGGqCmSRs5nr-7-FbJaYvQ11IQjPo8Fm4JLVpp5g2hfCPX4HtVCC6GVRE70z-oDFJ3LohHDoTbTS-_6i9amEfl2bnRwzcdrQJfIBhtWrUZ9XhKdcsC5j80uf1OmglpNM8jl0WdyfnkGOuvXC0oT-E/w360-h360/CX903282-5003-5003002-100.jpg" width="360" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I was prompted to blog today because I watched “Desperately Seeking Soulmate: Escaping Twin Flames Universe” (on Amazon Prime), a documentary series based on <a href="https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2020/12/inside-the-all-consuming-world-of-twin-flames-universe" style="background-color: transparent; box-sizing: inherit; color: #7e5f6a; transition: all 0.1s ease-in 0s;">this article by Alice Hines in Vanity Fair</a></span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">It was so shocking how much it parallelled what I experienced whilst working for Melanie Tonia Evans, and where I believe she was heading.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">My Facebook post covers most of it:</span></p><blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow" style="background-color: white; border-left: 4px solid rgb(217, 217, 217); box-sizing: border-box; color: #404040; font-style: italic; margin: 0px 1.5em 1.5em 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding-left: 1.5em; quotes: "“" "”" "‘" "’";"><p style="box-sizing: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Last night I binge-watched ‘Desperately Seeking Soulmate: Escaping Twin Flames Universe’. Wow. Sadly I recognised so much of what I’d experienced in my last job.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Would-be guru, driven by a desire for wealth and adoration – check; exploitation of never-ending ‘trauma’ in their ‘community’ – check; expensive programs that lead to ever-more expensive programs – check; monthly memberships – check; pivoting whenever necessary to throw together the next money-spinner – check; a <a style="background-color: transparent; box-sizing: inherit; color: #7e5f6a; transition: all 0.1s ease-in 0s;"></a>‘channel’ that must not be questioned – check; extraterrestrial starseeds – check; going ‘5D’ – check; the promise of abundance – check; victim blaming when the abundance doesn’t appear – check; “you just need to keep doing the inner work” – check; accumulation of personal wealth (gold bars, anyone?) – check; feeling entitled to free labour – check. There’s even a check next to the white bookcase and pink orchids!</span></p><p style="box-sizing: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">What goes on to happen is what I predicted lay in the future for us – the pyramid scheme/MLM structure and the IRL cult. So for anyone still involved, I urge you to watch this. The first episode and a half especially will be uncomfortable viewing, and whilst the severity of what happens in the final half of the series may enable you to convince yourself that this is not what you are dealing with (since it is a road the potential cult leader in question would never take), I hope that it nevertheless will linger in the memory and validate the doubts when they come.</span></p><p style="box-sizing: inherit; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"></p></blockquote><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">As I went on to comment, I have no problem with what people choose to believe – there are multiple paths to God. But according to Melanie Tonia Evans some of the starseeds are apparently from Sirius B – even though it is a star, not a planet, and one of the stars least likely to have any planet, let alone a habitable one, since it is a binary, with shifting gravitational pulls. But this is what happens when you don’t need to read books, because you have a ‘channel’.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">And the whole ‘5D’ thing seems to have become some sort of league table, where the more ‘D’s you are, the more spiritually advanced you are. When you get people claiming to be ’15D’ or whatever, and you can see they are quite unpleasant, well then it kind of motivates me to remain 3D pondlife with the rest of the ‘normies’ as they like to call us!</span></p></div>Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-20795175251573475242023-11-23T06:16:00.000-08:002024-03-13T05:08:18.939-07:00Closure<p> </p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpaw0XJ7D5rP4NSBs1I5NHyPvyCd-iMn5LlMrZ4dluxhCV3-LECXKJ2hNBtIuic-5XIvVgx74ix_DM1mJLR41A6LXUXK7wA1RDAKixy4Zbx9hzbgfTKrupxUfMpTqFa3eiG6z6qJrJ2ZzN4FcbHN1VoRhS_jO60PLRGPyRD5wGjfiLIJiiHVocqn6feTY/s257/closure.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="257" data-original-width="196" height="309" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpaw0XJ7D5rP4NSBs1I5NHyPvyCd-iMn5LlMrZ4dluxhCV3-LECXKJ2hNBtIuic-5XIvVgx74ix_DM1mJLR41A6LXUXK7wA1RDAKixy4Zbx9hzbgfTKrupxUfMpTqFa3eiG6z6qJrJ2ZzN4FcbHN1VoRhS_jO60PLRGPyRD5wGjfiLIJiiHVocqn6feTY/w236-h309/closure.png" width="236" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><br /></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Well I've not written</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> here for a couple of weeks because I've emotionally moved on from needing to write about Melanie Tonia Evans. I realised that writing everything about how she is a fake and a bit of a con artist and would-be cult leader was actually keeping me attached to her. It began to feel wrong, especially as the people who would have been vulnerable to any backlash from her as a result of me speaking out both left in quick succession the day after I last posted.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">So instead, I made a one-off Facebook post. It is not possible to say who I am speaking about in it, as I do not list my employment with her. </span></p><blockquote class="wp-block-quote"><!-- wp:paragraph -->
<p><span style="font-family: arial;">Aligned and evolved people run their businesses ethically and are mindful of the well-being of their staff. They put their mission first and allow the money to take care of itself. They do not withhold pay and drive their employees into the ground with their endless drama and demands. Or put money and appearances first at the expense of their infrastructure.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">They lead by example and live what they preach. They keep their promises to their staff of decent pay and holidays, and <a></a>they give them an employment contract – rather than it always being ‘jam tomorrow’. They keep their promises to their customers of free upgrades for life - and don’t retcon them to ‘only for gold members’.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">Authenticity doesn't need airbrushing and filters – and no, that never was the choice of ‘the Team’ (the very opposite in fact).</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">I hear variously that I was sacked, or that I left because other people could not relieve my workload. Neither of those is true. When you catch someone in a lie, be careful not to believe them in the future.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">Nor did I leave out of being work-shy, which has also been implied. I left because I wanted a family-life and a social life, and I was not allowed to have either whilst working there. The fake-emergencies always happened at the weekend - by design. It's a well-known cult tactic, to not allow people time to rest and reflect.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">I left because I cannot align with someone who claims to teach people how to be abundant yet is stuck in scarcity consciousness and the worship of money. Who preaches about evolved relationships yet is incapable of maintaining them herself; sometimes, when people keep leaving you, it's not because you are so evolved, it's because you treat them badly. Who talks about soul-truths but is a liar. Whose words of love and support are skin-deep and never backed up by genuine feeling or actions, and who is unable to self-reflect and own their part.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">When a person with status has a complete inability to take advice or suggestions from others, or to work as part of a team, then they lose perspective and become blinded by their own mythos. Just like Madonna and Michael Jackson, the False Self becomes inflated by power and the only people acceptable to them are those who puff them up and dare not challenge that inflated false self. Especially if it is named ‘the channel’.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">The fruits of this channel might cause another person to question it, since its results are little to do with love.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">Her true beliefs are obvious in the things she promises to others. Financial abundance, 'evolutionary love' relationships, external youthfulness and beauty - all the things she describes as being a 'thriving life' - these are the things she values.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">There's a reason Jesus did not promise these things – he did not value them. The way, the truth and the life is not about any of those things. Yes, with true alignment to Source they can come, but the point of alignment is that you no longer need or desire them. A vow of poverty does not need to be a bad thing – and that is something she is unable to understand.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">In alignment there is peace, and in peace there is no drama. But peace apparently doesn’t sell, and peace certainly does not provide a supply-feed. She doesn't see you as ‘thrivers’: she sees you as cash-cows and adoring fans – providers of the things she needs.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">The message she put out was the truth, in the times when money wasn’t the sole driver, and the irony is that it was following her own guidance that led to me leaving. Guidance she does not follow herself.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">The healing also certainly does work. Yet just stop to think for a second. Either her healing is as miraculous as she says and it works - in which case you don't need any other program. Or it doesn't work and so keeping on buying it in different and increasingly hastily-thrown-together packages isn't going to work either.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">Additionally, if the 1:1 sessions bring the instant resolution she claims, then you would only need one of them. Astonishing then, how many people were told they needed another 2 sessions. Or more.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">And yes, it's lovely if you have the money to treat yourself to more and different healing and live programs – I am not saying they are completely without benefit. But I see too many people putting themselves in financial difficulties chasing after the promised results.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">My only regret in leaving is that I also leave behind the community of people who are in thrall to her. You are deserving of support and guidance from those who truly are walking the same pathway, and the last thing you need are the endless finance-driven messages of how you are not enough and need to evolve or be left behind.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">You are enough exactly as you are. You do not have to 'go 5D'. Source already sees you as perfect, because you already ARE. Everything you need is within you - your spark of divinity is within and all it needs to free it is your own acceptance and love.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">A person so reliant on the worship, adoration, validation and money of others is not going to be of genuine help in teaching you how to do that.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">A large part of me wanted to stay silent on this, because I do not want anything to do with her, even the energetic attachment of writing this. But a lie of omission is still a lie.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">I neither expect nor need anyone to believe me. I encourage you instead to listen to and trust your own soul.</span></p>
<!-- /wp:paragraph --></blockquote><p><span style="font-family: arial;">And that is it done. Completely done. The last clinging MTE tentacle removed, and my conscience is clear - I have warned those with ears to hear. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I heard that another ex-employee - who had been treated pretty badly by her, but is still thoroughly enmeshed - had sent her a screenshot of my post (which is public) and asked her if she was ok. Way to gleefully upset a person so you can then ingratiate yourself but being the one to comfort her! This is the calibre of people around her right now. It prompted her to post a picture on Facebook with #NoFilter. She's blocked, both her personal account and her page, but plenty of people contacted me to let me know! </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Which again caused people to see through her. I am apparently 'not her reality' - yet there she is directing her life around something I said. And as if there was no filter! </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">But that is that. I am going to cut ties with those who are still in contact with her, as I really don't want to hear anything. She's in the past and I don't care whether she soars or plunges into the depths. </span></p><p><!-- wp:paragraph -->
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<!-- /wp:paragraph --></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">However things look on the outside, she's in hell, because she has to live with her real self - like we all do. </span></p><p><br /></p>Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-69903728351248228252023-11-09T10:17:00.002-08:002024-03-13T05:09:58.894-07:00The Tip of an Iceberg of Secrets and Lies<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP2xpQMKscMCj9CDjz0NFaBrYAlA7XNynlsHJuJ5677H2dBiihCCc0g4b7F5PsS-lK9kWd9LeeMhVpJQa9Q4FtRpsmsYDpDKD_iQu2sxLa61dogU_7EeNLdgb1QkWDjR4FoMZg6Y85aMmX2kYzy5Sweaw2FnZpKL1Xy7NMwkvOUJ4oG-tMWg3efcVzprg/s600/depositphotos_669330276-stock-photo-amazing-iceberg-clear-blue-water.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="337" data-original-width="600" height="219" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP2xpQMKscMCj9CDjz0NFaBrYAlA7XNynlsHJuJ5677H2dBiihCCc0g4b7F5PsS-lK9kWd9LeeMhVpJQa9Q4FtRpsmsYDpDKD_iQu2sxLa61dogU_7EeNLdgb1QkWDjR4FoMZg6Y85aMmX2kYzy5Sweaw2FnZpKL1Xy7NMwkvOUJ4oG-tMWg3efcVzprg/w389-h219/depositphotos_669330276-stock-photo-amazing-iceberg-clear-blue-water.jpg" width="389" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Now, I don't remember the dates that these things happened, as I wasn't paying attention really at the time, but I remember knowing things were beginning to go wrong by the time Queen Elizabeth II died on 8th September. Melanie was a lot more in our team chats, and by this time she and Zac had fired a long-standing member of the team, who actually had been causing a lot of problems due to her prickly nature. But that member of staff was very close to Zac, and I think the decision did not sit easy with him.</span></p><!-- wp:paragraph -->
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">He was also upsetting other members of the team in one way or another that I am not completely clear on. I know part of it was to do with him wanting to cut people's hours. But this is all very odd, as he never asked me, and I outright wanted to cut my hours, and was offering to do so all the time! He also wasn't open to new ideas, or to giving staff leeway to use their own initiative. Alledgedly. I don't know - I never had any problems with him, so this is all second-hand. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">The other thing that happened was that the Thrive Membership Program that was due to run in September was cancelled at short notice. Luckily, as it turned out. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">Then on 14th September, Melanie and Iva had a meeting with Zac, where he was given some sort of ultimatum, and instead he decided to leave. On the 15th September, we had a team meeting where we were told of what had happened, and where people were discussing how they could pick up the slack. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">I remember this well, because everyone was talking about all the skills and abilities they had, and the roles they could take on, and I felt really adrift and at sea, because I had no particular skills and abilities. I remember saying that - and adding "but I am a fast learner, a hard worker, and enthusiastic and loyal". Words that haunt me. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">We heard Mel's story of what had happened and according to her, he was slowly driving MTE into the ground. He was trying to cut hours to better fund his own lifestyle, including Teslas for him and Ivy, and was stopping Melanie herself from following her intuition. He refused to let her take over the reins and so she sacked him. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">Ivy was originally possibly going to stay on (although of course it was a tricky position for her to be in, as Zac's girlfriend), but then Heather (IIRC) found some recurring payments to an external source. These turned out to be to a graphic designer. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">Mel's explanation of this is that Ivy had contacted this graphic designer pretending to be Mel, and had used her to do the designs that she then pretended were coming from her. She added in photographs and general chit chat to this lady about her (Mel's) holidays and life etc - so the woman truly believed it was Mel she was talking to. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">We were then shown a letter from Ivy, where she confessed to this graphic designer that she had been pretending to be Mel all along, and had used her to make herself look good. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">Of course, we were all in shock and horrified that Ivy would do such a thing. Not only was it a betrayal of Mel as an employer, but it was also a huge betrayal of Mel as her future mother-in-law, and Mel repeatedly wailed about how she had loved her like a daughter. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Unsurprisingly, Ivy left at this point. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">It has only been as things have unfolded that we began to doubt this story. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">The first thing that didn't add up was that there were varous points in the coming months where Zac and Ivy were threatening Melanie with court. Each time, we would point out that she should threaten them right back with making the contents of Ivy's letter public, and with prosecuting her for impersonating Melanie. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">Every time she would say, 'oh, I'm keeping that in my back pocket.' It stayed in that back pocket, however bad the threts from Zac became. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">The other thing to bear in mind is that Melanie has all of us act as her at various times. Almost every announcement made on the Forum (unless it is a sales pitch) is made by a member of the team (usually Violet initially, latterly usually me). The emails that go out from Melanie are written by a member of staff - again, this was me by the time Zac left. If you have been contacted by 'Melanie' asking you to become a member of the moderator team, or to give a testimony, it will usually have been Iva. This did become less prevalent after Zac left, as Melanie took over contacting people herself. for testimonies, and I became the person who would reach out to prospective moderators. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">There even used to be a 'Melanie's voice' training, to enable people to sound like her. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">So I do wonder if Ivy was actually acting under Melanie's instructions, at least initially, and if she was told to write that letter as a condition of her leaving? This is purely conjecture on my part, but this was also the start of Melanie's later narrative that Ivy had been the power behind the throne and had been leading Zac into taking money out of the company. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">After all, given the way she treated her own son, blaming the woman she 'loved like a daughter' (when she decided she wanted him back in her life) is certainly not out of character.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">On 30th September Zac posted in the MTE Team Skype chat that he was leaving, and thanked everyone for all they had done, said how sad he was to go etc. Only Lily had the inclination or the bollocks to 'heart' his post. Then Melanie came on and laid into him, basically shutting him down and accusing him of all sorts. She has since removed those posts, so I can't say for sure what they said, but Zac saw he was flogging a dead horse and that was the last we saw of him. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">As a result of all this, Zac is now No Contact with his mother. But this is not something she will ever mention in public, even though her blog endlessly trumpets how she healed herself, her son and their relationship following their first estrangement in his late teens. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">None of us understood that with his departure we lost the final brake on Mel's humungous ego-charge into abuse, money-grabbing and fakery. The signs were there right from this point onwards, but most of us didn't see them - couldn't see them due to our own enmeshment. </span></p>
<!-- /wp:paragraph -->Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-15003394350258042662023-11-07T06:19:00.000-08:002024-03-13T05:12:42.885-07:00When Dreams Come True<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRhib82m0HCDYOMWQWCtSM5yHvT8lkciENUEn4HQF0tihQf-_8IiQE3tm5buLyZr4vRvmilaa_EyVfiR7VqDi5T6Ra2m_er8BFMQr6ZlbPVcBWCF4Q4RZmCoZmKQTdYlccG3mdQm6aGxJxfioU_QYqBqphCPbBEi5-0c_6FRHLFHeANxf-zlx81nleiHg/s3840/1660607-W-W-Jacobs-Quote-Be-careful-what-you-wish-for-you-may-receive-it.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2160" data-original-width="3840" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRhib82m0HCDYOMWQWCtSM5yHvT8lkciENUEn4HQF0tihQf-_8IiQE3tm5buLyZr4vRvmilaa_EyVfiR7VqDi5T6Ra2m_er8BFMQr6ZlbPVcBWCF4Q4RZmCoZmKQTdYlccG3mdQm6aGxJxfioU_QYqBqphCPbBEi5-0c_6FRHLFHeANxf-zlx81nleiHg/w402-h226/1660607-W-W-Jacobs-Quote-Be-careful-what-you-wish-for-you-may-receive-it.jpg" width="402" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I loved being a volunteer moderator for Melanie Tonia Evans's Forum and it really was the very best thing for my own growth. I have already spoken about how I would only use the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) modules weekly because of them being so long. But being a moderator and dealing with prickly members meant I had to use them a lot more. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">And to be clear - NARP really does work. There's nothing that I've found that works better than the Quanta Freedom Healings (QFH) that are part of the program. According to Melanie, she channelled QFH whilst lying broken on the ground in a toilet. Or maybe in Koh Samui to overcome agorophobia. It's one of those things where there have been different stories at different times, so the truth is lost somewhere. The first mention of it on her website, according to the Wayback Machine, was in February 2011, when Melanie describes it as being a result of her breakdown/breakthrough experience. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">QFH itself is a hodge-podge of techniques, one of which I was familiar with before finding QFH, as it is a common technique used in spiritual development circles. The rest - maybe it is channelled, maybe it is <s>stolen</s> borrowed from others. In her latest description of how QFH came about, Melanie does describe how:</span></p><blockquote class="wp-block-quote"><!-- wp:paragraph -->
<p><span style="font-family: arial;">"I was writing down protocols and healing steps. They were things that I knew in regard to Kinesiology and Theta Healing, but there were also things that I didn’t know, which were a deeper timeline aspect, more compartments of the subconscious to access. And there were also Source downloads that were much more impactful, richer, and bigger than I’d been used to."</span></p>
<!-- /wp:paragraph --></blockquote><p><span style="font-family: arial;">This is the first time I saw her acknowledge that QFH wasn't all entirely her own invention, so I suspect that many others had recognised the similarities to other healing modalities. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">But back to the moderating - I loved feeling helpful to the members, and I loved the community of both the members and especially the other moderators. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">A while after I began moderating, Violet Spectre joined the team, and it was obvious from the start that whereas I was pretty invisible, Violet was the MTE darling. She was Melanie's chosen one, and people who have been to any of Melanie's live programs up until the last year will have heard her say herself that 'the channel' told her to have Violet join MTE, that she is her soul sister etc. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">But I was fine with being invisible and had a huge enthusiasm for the program and for the Forum. When Melanie visited the UK in February 2019, I went to London for her day long event, even though I had a party to attend that evening so could only stay until mid afternoon. But I really didn't want to miss her. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">It was amazing, and truly the energy there shifted something in me - the last little bit of fear I would feel when travelling. At the time I thought this was all to do with Melanie, but now I wonder. But it was the greatest day, and I got to hug many of my fellow mods and thrivers. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">In 2019, NARP version 3 came out - and wow! The modules were much shorter (30 minutes each) and I loved them! Ok, so now it included dialoguing with the trauma, which is a craniosacral technique I had mentioned to Melanie in the mods chat a couple of times - but the QFH techniques had always had similarities to craniosacral therapy, as a form of bodywork, so this 'new chanelling' was surely a coincidence? (She's jettisoned that whole aspect now anyway, because people were getting caught up in focussing on their trauma, so it's by-the-by where she got it from). </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">This was the point where I began using the modules almost daily, and my life really did take off exponentially - a TV appearance, a new house by the sea, a whole new way of life.... Things were growing great - a typo that is actually true, so I've left it! </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Then Covid hit. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">It took all the joy out of my job (as a physio), and I decided I couldn't continue like this, as my job had become so emotionally draining. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">At around this time, I had a Skype chat with Zac (Melanie's son, and the person who was running MTE at the time - not sure what his job title was) and Iva (his deputy) and was then taken on as a paid moderator. This really suited me, and a little later, I saw there was a job going in MTE Support. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I emailed my CV, and Iva basically got in touch to say I had the job. I could not have been happier! This was like a dream - working for Melanie Tonia Evans full time! Such a privilege to be part of her mission to help people to heal from abuse.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">After a very lengthy training at MTE and an equally lengthy handover period where I was working as a physio, I began properly working for MTE full time in autumn 2021. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">That first year it was great. the workload was manageable (8 or so hours a day - more than 10 hours was definitely frowned upon, even when we were busy), and I was even gradually able to take on bits and bobs to help other people. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I did find it tough only having one day a week off (my day was Friday), but the weekends were generally quieter anyway, although there was usually a blog to post on Sunday nights, which was at 11pm for me. The work was extremely flexible, and we covered for eachother if we had weekends away. For example. I'd often go to meet friends for a weekend, and work first thing in the morning each day, then take the rest of the day off. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">By the time things went wrong, I was working in Support, editing Melanie's articles and YouTube transcripts, and posting them in conjunction with other staff members (Ivy and Heather), which also involved sending out the notification emails and the Forum updates. I had also just begun to do the affiliate emails (notifying members of affiliate events) and affiiate payments. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">The people I usually worked with were Iva, who was in charge of me in Support, and Loreto, who was in charge of the affiliates and the blog posts and emails. K and Violet also worked in Support and we worked together to set up and run the live programs, under Zac's supervision </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">K is the only one I will not name, as for a long time she was the only fly in the MTE ointment. We regularly had 'Support Meetings' which were basically when K would moan about things I had or hadn't done - she just did not like me, it was pretty clear. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">As an example, one of her moans was that I 'sent messages when I allocated tickets' - I'd literally been trained to do this, to politely say 'for you and why I have allocated it to you xoxo and emojis'. Which of course needed a meeting and couldn't possibly have been solved by her messaging me on Skype to say 'please don't send me messages when you allocate tickets, thanks'. But no, an hour meeting it was. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I think the underlying problem was that she thought I was depriving her of work hours, when actually I wanted fewer hours - ever since I'd joined, I'd been clear I wanted around 30 hours a week, rather than the 40-50 I was working. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">So this was my mini-cross to bear, and to be fair to K, there were times when she was fine with me, and even almost friendly. But the underlying tension meant that when she became the first domino to fall, I was really glad to be free of her bad juju around me. I didn't stop to think of the ethics of the way it panned out. </span></p><p><!-- wp:paragraph -->
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<!-- /wp:paragraph --></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">But that is all in the future. For now, in Summer 2022, my work at MTE is secure, stable and manageable, and I am blissfully unaware of the drama that is about to unfold. So far as I was concerned, I was living the dream, and had rarely been happier. </span></p>Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-72209657599785021242023-11-06T02:58:00.003-08:002024-03-16T01:36:55.098-07:00In The Beginning....<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpal96O4OyTyOnNKHLLSK0pq08dyxnCD5Gzzc1OuncgBw5E0hyphenhyphenWeRUmg3MvtTa9Q-Y6ZrpxL5JRCumebcGEKNfQ-jfdhYdyfY2Bp8_NJlrZlvqxfRWLr2WCkBRVjWusmPJgbCKR4b80tqdDjJVST8s3X36bJ3o8ti-ph45EbXiDErN66BnMdHbIaVJd9M/s1302/RWS_Tarot_00_Fool.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1302" data-original-width="746" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpal96O4OyTyOnNKHLLSK0pq08dyxnCD5Gzzc1OuncgBw5E0hyphenhyphenWeRUmg3MvtTa9Q-Y6ZrpxL5JRCumebcGEKNfQ-jfdhYdyfY2Bp8_NJlrZlvqxfRWLr2WCkBRVjWusmPJgbCKR4b80tqdDjJVST8s3X36bJ3o8ti-ph45EbXiDErN66BnMdHbIaVJd9M/s320/RWS_Tarot_00_Fool.jpg" width="183" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">So to begin with my experiences with Melanie Tonia Evans - my most recent abuse experience, from the beginning...</span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">I first began reading her blog in around maybe 2010? I was reading lots of blogs at the time, trying to make sense of what what happening with me and Steve, and how to put it right. IIRC, at the time, <a data-id="https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/" data-type="link" href="https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/">Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim</a> blog was my favourite, and is still one of the best relationship sites on the internet. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">Whereas Melanie's blog becomes more prominent in my memory in 2012, during a horrible year of court visists to prosecute Steve and hospitals, as Dad became more and more ill and then died. By 2013 I was very on board with her approach, but could not afford her Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP). However, I would do craniosacral therapy on myself and follow her guidance. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">In 2014 I had got the money together and bought the program. The healing modules in those days were all at least 2 hours long, and frankly I didn't have that much time available for myself, so I used them about once a week. Of course, I didn't read the instructions, and began with module 9. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">It worked great! I would feel so much better each time I used the modules, and NARP became part of the way 2014 was the year of my real recovery and true freedom. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">I found that although I came to the program to heal from Steve, I spent far more time shifting my childhood trauma. It had often been suggested to me that my childhood contained the reason for my ongoing depression and anxiety, and also made me vulnerable to predators, but I'd always discounted it - my childhood was completely normal! </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">It turns out I didn't recall most of it. I loved Christmas and holidays, and those are the parts of my childhood I mostly remember. But there were other memories I would mentally skip over. I don't even want to write about them now. Suffice it to say that my sisters remember even more, and have confirmed that my memories did happen. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">I also remember sitting in a safeguarding training about how to recognise possible child abuse. I had to try very hard not to cry, because our childhood qualified as both neglectful and abusive. Or to be more precise - my mother did. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">I know why she was the way she was. She had a horrible and traumatic childhood: her mother died when she was very young; she grew up during World War 2, in an area that was frequently bombed; and her father left them with his parents and moved in with another woman, going on to have a whole new family and rarely seeing her and her sister. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">And she kept that part of it a secret until I discovered it in the 1990s, because that 'whole other family' only lived 10 minutes away from us. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">So it was mostly about my mother that I spoke on the NARP Community Forum, which is the support forum for NARP. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">When you read reviews of Melanie's work, you'll see lots of bollocks written about the Forum. It's actually a really great way for people to get support without being mired in victimhood, because it focusses on how to get out of the victim story, and into your body, where the trauma is. There's actually<a data-id="https://melanietoniaevans.com/blog/echo-empowered-code-for-healthy-outreach/" data-type="link" href="https://melanietoniaevans.com/blog/echo-empowered-code-for-healthy-outreach/"> a public blog post about ECHO</a> - the Empowered Code for Healthy Outreach that is used on the Forum, which fully describes why it works so well. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">But every so often there would be a member who just wasn't interested in healing, and was only there to vent. Actually, this was common in the early days of people's membership, and the Forum moderators always took that into account. But if it was an ongoing pattern, then yes, a moderator would intervene, unapprove a post, and message the member. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">They really were (and are) lenient - for example, until I became a moderator in 2015 or 16, I'd never read the Code of Conduct or ECHO. But I was never unapproved. Even if you were unapproved, all you had to do was edit the post in line with ECHO (and the mods would help as needed), and then your post would be reinstated. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">So the people who were removed from the Forum really were hardcore objectionable. People who refused to abide by the CofC or ECHO, people who couldn't take constructive criticism, people too enmired in their pain to recognise help unless it came in a compliant and validating package. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">The Forum really was (and is) great guidance and it achieved a huge number of successes. Melanie was striking by her absence though - the whole thing was down to her moderators, and it felt like a massive honour to be asked to be a part of the moderator team. </span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family: arial;">I gladly accepted, and this was my first step into the whole MTE vortex. </span></p>
<!--/wp:paragraph--></div><p><br /></p>Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-39934541461468061942023-11-03T08:59:00.002-07:002024-03-13T05:12:24.225-07:00Every Ending is a New Beginning<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtJVzTMe4ktiHe1AdUo9wxYiD-7UNdHzf4apVIm7epuxQLzOvOzV3oY7gA3lzCAF-VP6dlwlsPcl_3IRa-v2AK8cFoYI3bnijSfQ6Aiu2mriHMbGzH8vxX27rya4IogWU_48J5tTWVJzHjrJvH7YHfUD-goAQbgNpDcXi1tCeu2s_R0IBmRXWV2-J6g70/s502/last-day-at-work-memes-to-make-you-smile-kUTRL.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="502" data-original-width="502" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtJVzTMe4ktiHe1AdUo9wxYiD-7UNdHzf4apVIm7epuxQLzOvOzV3oY7gA3lzCAF-VP6dlwlsPcl_3IRa-v2AK8cFoYI3bnijSfQ6Aiu2mriHMbGzH8vxX27rya4IogWU_48J5tTWVJzHjrJvH7YHfUD-goAQbgNpDcXi1tCeu2s_R0IBmRXWV2-J6g70/s320/last-day-at-work-memes-to-make-you-smile-kUTRL.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Today is my one-week anniversary of leaving employment as a support worker for Melanie Tonia Evans, and it’s been as freeing as getting out of any abusive relationship.</span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I wasn’t due to leave fully for another couple of weeks, as I’d been training my replacement since my resignation in August. The full reasons I resigned will become clear in time, but the final straw was yet more unethical behaviour.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Melanie always made a big deal about how if you purchase her Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), the you get it for your lifetime, and that includes all updates. So the last big update was in 2019, when the programs transferred to Teachable, although there have been several minor updates done since then.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Last week, a new NARP update – Speedy Shifts – was released (a story in itself and one of the ones I will be telling). but only to NARP Gold members. If NARP Silver members wanted the upgrade, they would have to pay $100 US to upgrade to Gold membership.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">As a member of staff, I was only told this AFTER the upgrade had been all over social media, even though I would be the one dealing with all the dissapointed Silver members in Support during training.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">My first reaction was ‘well that’s another bunch of tickets I won’t be taking’, as this is what I’d previously done when shady stuff was going on. So far as I was concerned, I was going above and beyond to still be there at all, considering I had no contract keeping me there, and no way was I going to be tainted by the dodgy business practices Melanie was using.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">But then I realised it had gone too far, and I no longer wanted to lift a finger for such an unestical company. So I left.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">In the intervening hours, I was allowed to upgrade anyone who asked, for free – by my immediate boss.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When someone is a liar, you cannot trust anything they say. That means their promises are worthless, even if they have been making that promise for years, and even if they once kept their promise.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">And when a liar claims to be exceptionally spiritually evolved, acting authentically and in alignment with God, well, I think you can see where I’m going with this!</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I had no job to go to, either when I resigned, or when I decided I was completely done. That doesn’t matter – because I <span style="box-sizing: inherit; font-weight: 700;">am</span> in alignment with what is good for my soul and what is truly of God.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I believe that if we follow our calling from a heart-centred place and with a desire to serve humanity in the best way we can, then abundance will follow. I thought Melanie believed that too – it’s what she preaches after all. But no. And weirdly, when I expressed this opinion in a meeting, I was told I was suffering from ‘scarcity consciousness’. Which is bizarre, as what I was expressing was the exact opposite – to focus on the mission and let the money sort itself out. but Melanie is big on projection.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I came to realise that abundance wasn’t the aim for her: she is all about acquisition. And this is where the problems have all stemmed from, and what I believe will be the ultimate downfall of the company unless she truly goes within to heal.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #404040; margin-bottom: 1.5em;"><span style="font-family: arial;">“No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. <a href="https://biblehub.com/matthew/6-24.htm" style="background-color: transparent; box-sizing: inherit; color: #7e5f6a; transition: all 0.1s ease-in 0s;">Ye cannot serve God and Mammon</a>” and I’ve made my choice, just as Melanie has made hers.</span></p></div><p><br /></p>Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-8486242215408635592017-08-02T10:19:00.002-07:002017-08-02T10:19:47.148-07:00A Lucid Dream about my Dad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>Me with my Dad, November 2011</i></div>
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I began this blog on the death of my Dad in 2012. I can't believe we are coming up to 5 years since he died. </div>
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Last night I dreamed that I went to Dad's house to pick him up for Sunday lunch. I went upstairs to find him, and he was lying in bed with the newspaper over his face, he had fallen asleep reading it. I was worried for a second that he might have died, but when I picked up the paper it woke him up, he was fine. </div>
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He was moaning about having to get ready to go out, and as I was making his bed I was saying, 'Dad, I don't know why you're making such a big deal, you're so much better than you were in the nursing home....' As I said it, I suddenly realised he had been in the nursing home because he was dying, and he had died, and so this must be a dream. I turned around and sat on the bed, and Dad said, 'what's up?' because I was crying. </div>
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'I've realised this is a dream, and I don't want to wake up, I want to stay here with you.' I got up and hugged him and he put up with it (he didn't really do hugs). Sort of patted me on the back and said, 'you soft sod, you know you've got to go to work.' </div>
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I tried to hold onto him, but I woke up. </div>
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I've not let myself think about it all day, but now I'm home from work I keep thinking about it, because I want to remember how it felt, and how lovely it was - it was so real. But it means I can't stop crying. I feel like I've lost him all over again.</div>
<br />Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-12068416905811423662017-03-16T12:28:00.000-07:002024-03-16T01:39:07.551-07:00Forgiven But Never Forgotten<br />
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I admin a group on Facebook for people who have been abused by sociopaths, and the subject of forgiveness came up recently, as it frequently does. This time the discussion was initiated when someone posted <a href="https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/03/forgiving-someone-who-is-not-sorry-is-one-of-the-hardest-things-to-do/">this</a> Elephant Journal article to the group. One of the members asked, 'do we have to forgive them?' Interesting question.<br />
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I've blogged about forgiveness, or rather my lack of it, in the past - about how for me Steve would always be <a href="http://virtueorsin.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/the-unforgiven.html">The Unforgiven</a>. Yet I find that this is no longer true.<br />
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Whilst there is no obligation to forgive someone, I have found that as I've moved out of victimhood and into healing and a thriving life, I have forgiven him without particularly trying.<br />
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I think part of the problem is that the mantra of 'forgive and forget' causes a lot of misunderstandings about what forgiveness is and what it requires. As I wrote in that previous blog, I truly believed that forgiveness meant wiping the slate clean. That was something I learned from my Mother, ironically a woman constitutionally incapable of saying the word, 'sorry,' and meaning it. I no longer believe that.<div><br /></div><div>Steve's abuse stays fully listed on the slate, and I would no more speak to him in the street than I would poke my own eyes out. He has shown who he is and I have no wish for anyone like that to be in my life.<br />
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In reality, forgiveness is pretty well defined in <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a>:<br />
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<b>Forgiveness</b> is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crime" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Crime">o</a>ffence, lets go of negative <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotion" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Emotion">e</a>motions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgetting" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Forgetting">f</a>orgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pardon" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Pardon">p</a>ardoning (granted for an acknowledged offense by a representative of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Society" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Society">s</a>ociety, such as a judge), and <a class="mw-redirect" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reconciliation_(ethnic_relations)" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Reconciliation (ethnic relations)">r</a>econciliation (restoration of a relationship).</div>
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In certain contexts, forgiveness is a legal term for absolving or giving up all claims on account of debt, loan, obligation, or other claims.</div>
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So forgiveness is to stop feeling anger, to stop blaming, to stop requiring repayment. I like that definition.<br />
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I bear Steve no ill will. I bear him complete indifference. Occasionally I'll hear of bad things happening to him, and I admit I'll have a little inward smile, because he surely deserves all he has coming to him. But I don't wish bad things to happen to him.<br />
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I do disagree with the Elephant Journal article when it gets to the point of talking about how to remain close to an unapologetic person. Why would you want to? A lack of apology is a denial of your reality. Why care for someone who cares so little for you as to do that? It goes back to the <a href="http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-circle-of-trust-do-you-know-whos-in-yours-why/" target="_blank">Circles of Trust</a> described so well by Natalie Lue - trust can be earned, and trust can be broken, and a non-apology means some broken trust - and an easing away of that person from your circle is a sensible boundary to have.<br />
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In the end, though, unless you have forgiven, you haven't let go. Until you let go, the weight of holding on drags you down. Forgiveness actually comes organically from the letting go. One of the reasons people don't want to forgive is because they think that it is 'letting someone off the hook' for what they have done. It isn't, it's letting yourself off their hook finally and completely; it's allowing yourself to move past what they have done; it's breaking another tie that binds you to the abuse.<br />
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So in short, the answer to that question of 'do we have to forgive them?' is no, you don't have to forgive. But I believe that if you want to heal, then you have to be open to forgiveness happening, because when you heal, it will.</div>Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-55071862165736160172016-12-06T09:57:00.002-08:002016-12-06T09:57:29.080-08:00Breakdowns Can Lead to Breakthroughs<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>Me in October</i></div>
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I did it again - I never thought I would, I thought I knew the signs, but I did even so. I got addicted to exercise. </div>
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The mad thing is, over summer I was deep in Melanie Tonia Evans' Quanta Freedom Healing and dealing with my eating problems, which involved peeling away no end of hidden layers of self-hatred. But even as I was up-levelling, I didn't notice how I was punishing my body.</div>
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It happened so subtly, but looking back, the start of it was my love of <a href="http://virtueorsin.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/insanity-max30.html">Insanity Max30</a>. I adored the whole 'push yourself harder every time' thing - so much so that I began applying it to every workout I had. I had to get further through each time, or lift heavier each time. But there wasn't enough time to keep up my cardio fitness at peak, whilst also keeping my strength at peak too. So the workouts grew longer - half an hour cardio and half an hour weights in the week, then an hour cardio and an hour weights at the weekend. I stopped going out walking so regularly, because it felt like I was wasting time I could be 'pushing myself'. If a day passed when I didn't 'press play', I felt overwhelming guilt - even if I had a headache, or a cold or something. </div>
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So all the parts of the Beachbody ethos that had once motivated me were now tools of my oppression. Meanwhile, my body was failing. </div>
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I'd originally taken up exercise to ensure I was fit enough to work. The original aim was to not feel like an old lady when I woke in the mornings, and to be strong enough to continue working as a physio into my 80s and beyond. That aim was now lost, and there was no aim in sight. No achievement was going to be good enough. I now had an ever-moving 'better, stronger, faster' goal that was always two steps beyond what I was achieving. </div>
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My performance - in fact my entire life - began to suffer. I began to have joint pain on getting out of bed again - every morning. I found I was exhausted by the end of the day. Sometimes I was dreading getting home because of the workouts ahead. I'd end them shaking and feeling faint. I had constant back and neck pain, even in bed, but I couldn't admit this, not least to myself. My body was screaming, but I had closed my ears. I was emotionally in such a good place that I was able to refuse to pay attention to my physical feelings.</div>
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Then on Halloween I got ill. And you know the mad thing? I had so lost touch with my body, that I didn't recognise I had a tummy bug, or food poisoning or something. I went into work with diarrhoea and feeling nauseous and feverish because I had decided that I was having - wait for it - a PANIC ATTACK.</div>
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I ended up with colleagues telling me to go home, and me just crying and saying I was being stupid and weak. Then I threw up. It was actually a relief, because even <b>I</b> couldn't deny that I was ill. I went home.</div>
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When I came out of the fuddle of fever, I looked back at what had happened, and realised I had been punishing my body - because I hated it for being fat. So I've QFHed on that (and on all the pains), and am coming to terms with that whole fat thing. Again, a whole new bunch of hidden self-hatred. But immediately I realised that I wanted to start listening to my body, so I ditched the workouts for a week and began doing yoga, specifically <a href="https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene">Yoga with Adriene</a> on YouTube.</div>
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<i>This is Adriene, and she's sorted me out - for now</i></div>
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I cannot believe how much I love yoga, and how much I love Adriene! She is so personable that she makes me feel happy even when I am contorted into positions that make it difficult for me to breathe. At which point she will usually say 'we'll stay here for three breaths', blithely disregarding how those three breaths are so shallow for me that they take about three seconds. </div>
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After that week, I re-introduced my other workouts. But I don't look to see how far I got last time, or how much I lifted last time. I listen to how far I can go now, today. My weekday routine is now 20-40 minutes of cardio and/or weights, then 15-40 minutes of yoga, to make about an hour a day. At the weekend I go for a walk, or I don't exercise, or I do some more yoga, whatever I feel like doing. If I feel tired in the week, I just do the yoga. It's about listening to me and paying attention to me. </div>
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The neck and back pain has gone. I am more supple already, and stronger on those chaturanga things than I was at the start, which has really surprised me given how many push-up variations I used to do. My energy is back - and it's nearly Christmas! Hooray! New Year, New Me - a me who listens to myself, my Inner Child and my own Body. </div>
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<br />Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-9427143019218450312016-05-17T04:24:00.003-07:002016-05-17T04:24:40.182-07:00How the RCM Stance on Abortion Could Be A Covert Attack Upon Women's Rights<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0EnDYJvUyMT3SwGhubj1KmGtwPxAOne43iKhGyyBIm-kvOrKeel4h97L_U4UywQFs5W8YKySC8DP6nxnU1Uz8e6aU4J2fM9LpG4yXaL3dsUf6C8Pl1pE5c_rDMx6kuW15sdNObI3kdqc/s1600/baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0EnDYJvUyMT3SwGhubj1KmGtwPxAOne43iKhGyyBIm-kvOrKeel4h97L_U4UywQFs5W8YKySC8DP6nxnU1Uz8e6aU4J2fM9LpG4yXaL3dsUf6C8Pl1pE5c_rDMx6kuW15sdNObI3kdqc/s320/baby.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i>A 31 week old foetus. </i></div>
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The Royal College of Midwives' <a href="https://www.rcm.org.uk/sites/default/files/RCM%20Abortion%20Statement.pdf">position statement on abortion</a> calls for the decriminalisation of abortion at any stage.<br />
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On the face of it, to me it is a madness that defies comprehension. Abortion is already available pretty freely (and in practice, on demand) up to 12 weeks. It is available with further safeguards up to 24 weeks. It is available for medical reasons up to full term.<br />
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What IS illegal is self-induced abortion, and abortion by someone other than a registered medical practitioner. The only prosecution I can find anywhere of self-induced abortion outside of Northern Ireland is of a woman who used medication bought online to induce her own abortion in the third trimester, so after 28 weeks.<br />
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So what will legalising abortion up to full term, and by anyone, achieve? I think to answer this, we also need to look at attitudes to abortion.<br />
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As I was growing up in the 70s and early 80s, if a teenager got pregnant, the assumption was that she would abort the baby. It was one of those things that went unspoken but was known. Having a baby in your teens was frowned upon, and so it very rarely happened. Then this happened:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtdaaSGFFxzzF6QXaOpeNbHeH-1kNfFP7zvQFRYinf4FX0fMJfYjWJVgTx38ABDZpijJrD8yariG_yErBF55G7M3NDIqf11sB_xAXsQFZLAWOLgIBxFNp7ckXp6qGOhVVmzjOKUWZdzvw/s1600/Michelle_Fowler_and_Vicki_Fowler.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtdaaSGFFxzzF6QXaOpeNbHeH-1kNfFP7zvQFRYinf4FX0fMJfYjWJVgTx38ABDZpijJrD8yariG_yErBF55G7M3NDIqf11sB_xAXsQFZLAWOLgIBxFNp7ckXp6qGOhVVmzjOKUWZdzvw/s320/Michelle_Fowler_and_Vicki_Fowler.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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In 1985, 16 year old Michelle Fowler became pregnant on Eastenders. Against all the odds and expectations, she refused an abortion and went on to have her baby. I don't think it is any exaggeration to say that this was the point where everything changed - the point at which having an abortion as a pregnant teen began to become the frowned-upon option. The time when this attitude began to spread to all abortions, so that 'you've had an abortion' became some sort of shameful abuse you could throw at the 'enemy' on Jeremy Kyle, whereas going through with the pregnancy and struggling to cope with the baby was something that the audience would cheer.</div>
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In my own experience, women of the generations that followed my own have become less approving of abortion. The expectation now is that a teenager getting pregnant would be expected to have the baby rather than the abortion - an expectation reflected in soap operas nowadays too - no-one would be shocked at Michelle's decision today. It's almost as though a woman has to have a 'good reason' to not have a baby. Attitudes are hardened in a way the law isn't.</div>
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My personal view, if it matters, is that I think we need to get rid if the pussy-footing around and make abortion on demand legal up to 12 weeks. Otherwise I think the law has it pretty much right, although there is a case to be made for lowering the 24-week general limit to 22 weeks, given technological advances. To allow unrestricted abortion up to term is nothing short of legalised infanticide, however you dress it up.</div>
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To decriminalise late abortion and abortion outside of medical supervision - well, just who are we trying to help? The mentally ill? The under-age? Those with learning disabilities? The otherwise vulnerable? All of these groups would be treated sympathetically by the courts - IF they were prosecuted. The situation seems to be that if these cases are happening, they are not being brought to court. The potential back-street abortionists and online drug distributors? Surely every woman deserves protection from those? That only leaves the cruel and psychopathic - and of course, everyone likes to think that such people don't exist, but they do. The <a href="http://www.wetrustwomen.org.uk/">We Trust Women</a> campaign blithely disregards their very existence. There are women I wouldn't trust with a cat's life, let alone a baby's. Infanticide is rare, but it doesn't mean it should be legal, and so surely the same applies to self-induced late-term abortion? </div>
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So what would happen if this decriminalisation were to take place? Someone like me, who is pro-choice, could no longer enthusiastically take that stance. I would no longer feel able to speak up against the pro-lifers, because I could not justify a law that was allowing abortion of a child. It isn't a foetus if it is capable of surviving birth - it's a baby. It isn't abortion if it is at 38 weeks - it's murder. It's one thing if two doctors say there are good medical reasons for that murder to take place with the mother's agreement. But for a woman to be able to decide that without safeguard or consequence? </div>
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I won't be the only one to feel this way. So what this campaign is doing is fighting for a change in the law that would ultimately harden attitudes AGAINST abortion. That isn't good for women, and the consequences could be frightening, because pro-lifers have a startling propensity to throw the baby out with the bathwater (sorry). What seems to be a stand for women's rights could turn out to be the first step back to the dark ages. </div>
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I can't help thinking it would also be detrimental to the fight for women's rights over their own bodies in Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland. The old 'look, you legalise abortion and it will be a slippery slope down a mountain of dead babies, like in England' argument will be all the more powerful. </div>
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Things are never as simple as they seem. Call me paranoid, but it doesn't mean the establishment isn't out to get us.</div>
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<br />Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-33313283451154073452016-04-16T08:48:00.000-07:002016-04-16T08:49:14.712-07:00Grieving is an Empty Room and an Empty Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is Oscar, and on Monday I had him put down. Oscar was 21, and as people who know me will know, he has been a complete arse of a cat for the last 8 years.</div>
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Put something on the floor, and he'd piss on it. Shoes, bags, clothes, whatever. He was confined downstairs for that very reason - nothing was safe. In the last few years even putting things on a table was no guarantee - he managed to balance on top of a Vicar of Dibley box set to wee over my sister's Christmas present one year. And of course, there was the famous incident that really needed a cat-shaming photo:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidr4h7DctXAHPkbsY_bV7Jar284bjHHzDHV1j0zYwNnbTkeQrpd38tsN3hY8lJzjHLayQ5P_tgFmtgQGOEwcCA_Ne3sLcvq5ROBYryYcdgRsnRY2BqP_jIYOjVJ-tNakClbN7nIGZOZ3M/s1600/101_1497.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidr4h7DctXAHPkbsY_bV7Jar284bjHHzDHV1j0zYwNnbTkeQrpd38tsN3hY8lJzjHLayQ5P_tgFmtgQGOEwcCA_Ne3sLcvq5ROBYryYcdgRsnRY2BqP_jIYOjVJ-tNakClbN7nIGZOZ3M/s320/101_1497.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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But I've had him since he was a kitten. As my sister likes to point out, 'he lasted longer than your marriage.' He was like a beloved relative that becomes infirm - you don't just abandon them because they piss (and poo, towards the end) everywhere. Even if that means you end up with a litter tray in your living room, right next to the door. Nice.</div>
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His passing wasn't a shock - I'd been worried he wouldn't make it to Christmas, and had prepared Son for that fact. But he carried on, despite his thinness. Then last weekend I realised he was really poorly - his breathing was laboured and his paws were swollen. I was half minded to call the vet to put him down then, but Son really didn't want me to, so I didn't. Instead, we had one last weekend, where all he wanted to do was sit with me. This was not the usual Oscar - normally given the choice between me and Son, Son will win every time, because I'm the baddie who shouts at Oscar when he wees on the cooker (for example).</div>
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He couldn't jump up onto the sofa so I was having to lift him up. He couldn't support himself on his back legs when he was pooing, so he would lie in the litter tray and get a pooey arse that I tried to clean, but never quite managed. </div>
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On Sunday night, as I lay in bed, I heard him crying. So I spent the night with him. When I left the living room even to go to the loo, he would cry again. </div>
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Monday morning Son said goodbye to him. I took the day off work and called the vet. An hour before the vet arrived, he got off the sofa and drank and ate - up to then I'd been bringing him his water and food, so I wondered if he was somehow recovering. But when the vet arrived, she said no, he was a dying cat. His heart stopped before she finished the injection. </div>
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It was a lovely death really. I was stroking his head, the nurse was rubbing his chin, and he was purring. Then he was gone, bar a bit of twitching, which is apparently just the nervous system dying.</div>
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When they had taken him away, I just broke down. I had no idea I would feel that way - I was worse than when my Dad died. </div>
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And now, I just feel so empty all the time. The next day, I really felt like 'what's the point' when I woke up - even though I have a Son, and a great life.I could cry at any moment. </div>
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Every day is just one huge litany of reminders he is gone, from the minute I go into the living room (don't have to push the litter tray out of the way as I open the door) to last thing at night, when I don't have to feed him and drag the litter tray behind the door from the other side of it.</div>
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For the first time, I am alone at the weekend when Son goes to his Dad's. The weekends, that was when Oscar would sit with me. I would put the heating on for him, even though I didn't need it, because he was an old chap, and he felt the cold.</div>
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I woke up this morning to snow, and I began to rush down to tell Oscar - but of course, he isn't here. Although sometimes it feels like he is - I feel as though he is sitting next to me, or is waiting for his food. </div>
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When Dad died, I found I had a lot of extra time on my hands, because visiting him had taken up so much of my time for a year. With Oscar gone, so has the entire routine of my day, for the last 21 years. No body fluids to clean up, no food to put down, no one to chat to, no one to argue with (we often had our disagreements)</div>
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When he was twitching, after being put to sleep, the vet said, 'don't worry, it's just his body remembers what to do and it's going through the motions. It happens a lot with old cats especially, their bodies have so much memory.' I feel like that - he was here for so long that even now I still expect to go through the motions of caring for him daily. The grief feels so raw because there are constant reminders that those actions are pointless now.</div>
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I feel like I'm being an idiot because he was 'just a cat'. But he really wasn't. He was my Baby Cat, a constant companion, the only 'person' I would talk to for days at a time, sometimes. He was always there. Without me realising it he had become an intrinsic part of my routine and my life - and my life feels as empty as his chair now he is gone.</div>
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RIP Oscar Cat. You git.</div>
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<br />Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-33040386746943584172015-03-20T09:48:00.000-07:002015-03-20T09:49:27.787-07:00Insanity: Max30<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidFIgQuj97W8I1lnVNz8GTIm9jfWlKB3k80qxrxFytDfqB8puaEcFuN184iHBJVWJ8jsIlDQyxnh8AWnqYEdAO7xHRDg5d9b5y786XpJSgtGPwja45eGYDXO498dnPMELjEdbN8wZmr4U/s1600/month-1-insanity-max-30.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidFIgQuj97W8I1lnVNz8GTIm9jfWlKB3k80qxrxFytDfqB8puaEcFuN184iHBJVWJ8jsIlDQyxnh8AWnqYEdAO7xHRDg5d9b5y786XpJSgtGPwja45eGYDXO498dnPMELjEdbN8wZmr4U/s1600/month-1-insanity-max-30.jpg" height="267" width="400" /></a></div>
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<i>Insanity Max30 - Month 1</i></div>
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I've loved Insanity since the first workout I did - the adrenalin rush, Shaun T's motivation, the feeling of achievement - there's no other workout programme that has come near to it. The only downside was that when following the programme I lost strength, especially in my upper body, and put on weight, and it has never shifted. TBH, I haven't made any great attempt at shifting it, I've been too focussed on performance, and to that end I had moved on to a programme of my own devising where I mixed up Insanity with P90X, TapouT and Jillian Michaels, with longer workouts at the weekends that were two or three hours of Davina, or power walking or yoga or a mixture. </div>
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The one problem with my own schedule (and any that include the workouts I've mentioned) is that you need to give about an hour to them. This meant I was quite excited when Shaun T's Focus T25 came out. That excitement didn't last long. I didn't like the music, and more importantly the workouts, whilst not too difficult in themselves, were so fast-moving that for some reason they were really hard on my feet. I have arthritis in my feet and hands, and Focus T25 really flared that up, although I don't think it helped that I had just done the Moonwalk. The modifier was too easy, so I really only use the workouts when I don't have time for anything else - or I combine four or five workouts and modify them for weekend longer sessions. And I still don't like the music.<br />
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This time around I really tried not to get overly-excited at the prospect of Insanity Max30 - I mean, could Shaun T really get the same effect in 30 minutes? The answer is a resounding OH YES!<br />
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I'm just coming to the end of month 1 - and it has been fantastic. I must admit to being kind of smug going into it. I'm used to ripping through most of the Insanity workouts now - I still get puffed, but I can generally do them better than some of the participants on the DVD (I'm talking about Shanita, Akeel(sp?) and Josh at least). Max 30 is only half the time - so surely I could do at least half of that before maxing out?<br />
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The idea of the workouts is you go as hard as you can until you can't go any more. That is your max out time, and you note it down. The Cardio Challenge workout is your fit test also. I managed 7 minutes 40. The shame!<br />
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So in the last four weeks I have followed the programme and I have improved massively on all the workouts except the Cardio Challenge - I still hover around the the 8.30 mark. In contrast, I can make to 24.30 on the Tabata Strength workout, more than double my starting max on that one. I have definitely improved massively in my cardio ability though, and I'm not so aware of loss of muscle as I was with Insanity. It is CRAZILY difficult though.<br />
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However, don't be put off if you haven't exercised before, because there is a modifier to each exercise, and you can choose an option to have them on-screen (split screen) throughout. So this is a programme that can easily grow with you.<br />
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The bit I like the best is that it is such a rush to do. I feel euphoric at the end of each workout, and have had emotional releases at the end of every Sweat Interval workout, it is completely amazing. Also, the Abs workout, whilst only being 10 minutes long, is the most challenging to the abs I have ever experienced - I haven't managed without multiple rests at all, and often max at under two minutes!<br />
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The weak points - well, the warm up is short (and just as intense as Insanity), and thre is a distinct lack of stretching. Even the Pulse DVD uses mostly dynamic stretching, and I'm just not convinced that dynamic stretching can stretch large muscle groups in the same way that prolonged stretching when you are warm can. To that end, I do half an hour of yoga stretching after a workout at the weekend. I think the programme would have really benefitted from a pure stretch DVD - maybe a 30 minute stretch option in place of the Pulse DVD, and a ten minute stretch to use more regularly, along the same lines as the one after the warm-up in Insanity. But this is a minor quibble, and one I get around easily enough - another option I use is to hold the Pulse stretches for longer and ignore what's going on on the DVD.<br />
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Added bonus? I got on the scales today with complete trepidation, really feeling I needed to shock myself into action after a week of binge eating and other extreme cake consumption (it's been an emotionally trying time for various reasons). I've lost weight. I'd thought my jeans had stretched!<br />
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So on the whole, I cannot fault this programme - you HAVE to try it. I got mine at a bargain price of £60 off ebay - well worth the money. I know I'm going to do at least one more full round after this, there is so much variety (month 2 is another set of DVDs) that I haven't got used to the workouts at all yet. There's a bit in the Sweat Intervals where Shaun T says, 'how are you feeling?' and every time I just shake my head cos I am so exhausted, and he goes, 'no, seriously, answer me.' I never remember until he says it :-)<br />
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It's also making me wonder about how worthwhile it is to give an hour a day to fitness if half an hour can achieve a better result. I wonder if the same would be true for a weight-lifting programme, and I'm thinking I might have to try out P90X3 too. More results in less time - that would be a real win.<br />
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Got to get through month 2 first though. I really am a bit feared of what those workouts will be like - how can it get any harder?<br />
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Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, I love, love, LOVE the music - similar to Insanity, and maybe even more motivating. Hooray!<br />
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Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-1430207617236092592015-03-19T13:13:00.000-07:002015-03-19T13:13:17.303-07:00Deja Viewing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I think I've mentioned before how there's something about Timothy West that reminds me of my Dad. I watch him on his barge programmes, and on Eastenders, because sometimes (more often on the barge than on Eastenders) he'll do a 'Dad' look, or a smile, and it is sort of comforting. In the same way as stalking old men around Tesco's if they remind me of Dad is, but without the potential for freaking out innocent elderly men. </div>
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Unsurprisingly, it was a bit of a shock to find out that Stan Carter, Timothy West's character in Eastenders, had prostate cancer (the cancer Dad died of). That was nothing to Tuesday's episode though. 'Old'Stan was a curmudgeonly character, not like my Dad at all. Of course, in true soap style, he has mellowed, and we have seen a more sensitive and vulnerable side to him of late. Then after all that softening up, what happens? He only suddenly goes off his legs, doesn't he? The exact same thing as happened to my Dad. It was horrific to watch, I went through all the emotions of that night again. Same cause as well - metastases in the spine. </div>
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Now I get to watch my pseudo-Dad die in exactly the same way as my real Dad did. Not so much deja vue as deja view. </div>
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At least if it gets too much I can change channel this time. Real life is a single channel you don't get to turn off.</div>
Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-69947696732531098312015-03-04T11:21:00.001-08:002017-09-22T03:57:49.550-07:00My Next-Door Stalker<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSdmq2qBsnLAKQM8rl0robrvY1kMVe553glT0KxOQBANcd5lT9ZBWh09qOyiZCAv4J-QSZFTeYBXO_LVmz6odHQjJmYEKYw2vfKWdCqg5X9qxw5fstf-ePqzeGjHtNsfZW6d5fj8W4vj8/s1600/stalking.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSdmq2qBsnLAKQM8rl0robrvY1kMVe553glT0KxOQBANcd5lT9ZBWh09qOyiZCAv4J-QSZFTeYBXO_LVmz6odHQjJmYEKYw2vfKWdCqg5X9qxw5fstf-ePqzeGjHtNsfZW6d5fj8W4vj8/s1600/stalking.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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You know how it is - you are happily headed for your lunch, and then you find out that your ex (the one who was convicted of assaulting you and then sent to prison for breaking the restraining order) is moving in two doors down. Around a corner. So he can look into your garden out of the bedroom windows.</div>
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But let me take you back to how this all unfolded. Those of you who are in the dark about Steve could read <a href="http://virtueorsin.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/what-its-like-to-be-punchbag.html">What It's Like To Be A Punchbag</a>. It doesn't quite capture the horror, but it's enough to understand why yesterday was a bit of a freaky one for me.</div>
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I woke up yesterday morning to two texts from a number I didn't know:</div>
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Hi Karen has Parker been in touch lately</blockquote>
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Sorry to ask </blockquote>
They were both sent at gone 1am, so I assumed it was one of his druggy mates trying to get in touch. I sent back:<br />
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Hi, no, last I heard he was with a lass called S [name redacted], and was living at [the last address I had], but that was over a year ago</blockquote>
I then pootled off to work, and forgot all about it.<br />
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As I was going to lunch, one of my colleagues said she had heard my phone making noises - on checking it I found I had another two messages.<br />
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I am S</blockquote>
Yikes!!<br />
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I live round the corner from you no [number redacted] yes Wer still on n of </blockquote>
SHIT THE BED :-O<br />
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I think I forgot to breathe for a bit. In a state of Pure Numb, I texted back:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Oh, sorry, didn't recognise the number. Well, u probs know all he is like by now. Kinda freaks me out the thought he could be so close :-O But hopefully you settling in 2 ur new home</blockquote>
What the fut was I thinking??!! 'Hope you settle into your new home'??? NO!!! Why, even in extremis, is my default mode <i>polite</i>???<br />
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Meanwhile, our texts crossed so I got these:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Sorry for txtin u just needed to no only bein a door away from u n to warn u</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Ye gettin there he doesn't live with me only comes wk end have u 2 dogs</blockquote>
It may not even be true about him only being there at the weekend, because she probably doesn't trust that I wouldn't report her to the DSS. I wouldn't. It's not her I have a problem with. Anyway, I was still channelling Michael Palin, if he was demented and had no sense of self-preservation, and sent:<br />
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Thanx 4 the warning :-) No that's [my next door neighbour]. I am [my house number]</blockquote>
S then sent her final two texts:<br />
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I'm on the corner Wer the big tree used to b</blockquote>
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He's still injecting heroin did he wen u was with him</blockquote>
I replied:<br />
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Yes, even when I didn't know. </blockquote>
I sat down for a second, and realised I was shaking, properly shaking and I couldn't stop. I was scared out of my wits. The restraining order ran out in February 2013, I felt like I had no protection. I ran downstairs to the office and fell to pieces all over the lassie who was behind the desk. It only lasted 20 minutes though, I was back to work at the end of my break, with the help of everyone I work with. Like the Boss said, I am stronger than this, this isn't me.<br />
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Luckily I saw my Little Sister after work, and she was as adamant as everyone else that I needed to tell the Police even though nothing had happened - and I agreed for once. When I got home, I phoned 101, and the woman I spoke to was really sympathetic, took all the details, advising me to report anything, even something as little as a dirty look from him, if it makes me or my Son uncomfortable. That way if there's a record of harrassment I can get another court order without delay. I felt better.<br />
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I went outside and saw how the second I step out of my patio doors, he can see me. I felt worse.<br />
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Came back inside and facebook pmed my closest friends. Felt better.<br />
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Had a panic attack. Felt worse.<br />
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Binge-watched Matthew MacFadyen in 'Spooks'. Felt bloody shedloads better. In fact, I could do with a bit of cheering up right now:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFZksazGpYLK-XUCtmvhPyhGoYCjU5EMOR-gZTZ63ag1NyZvE8zc31vM1jk6AbexPOgvYk5AANz9-t-sIOcgc8F6hb0h7KT2PgRSZ6A1HJml1bfFMnJjB2caR9wrKxTU5TTjD9Vanl4rM/s1600/tumblr_mptf9pnNgw1rom79oo1_500.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFZksazGpYLK-XUCtmvhPyhGoYCjU5EMOR-gZTZ63ag1NyZvE8zc31vM1jk6AbexPOgvYk5AANz9-t-sIOcgc8F6hb0h7KT2PgRSZ6A1HJml1bfFMnJjB2caR9wrKxTU5TTjD9Vanl4rM/s1600/tumblr_mptf9pnNgw1rom79oo1_500.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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Vented on the facebook support group I admin - felt a lot back to normal. And then a friend shared <a href="http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Be-Spiritually-Fit-Marianne-Williamson">this post</a> by Marianne Williamson - and finally I was back to me and back in my power.</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "museo_sans"; font-size: 16px;">Fear is the thinking that dominates the world, but love is who we really are. Grounding ourselves each day in a deep remembrance of who we really are, we actualize the spiritual power that lies latent within all of us.</span></blockquote>
I'd rationally been telling myself that nothing had changed that lunchtime, not really. All that had changed had been what I knew - I wasn't actually in any more danger (and possibly less through foreknowledge). All true and all very well, but in my heart, I hadn't felt it. Those texts messages had activated a conditioned reflex fear response: I'd reacted the way I always used to - he'd had the effect he always used to have. I had me temporarily reverted to 'old' me - I'd forgotten who I really am again. I am a perfect expression of one aspect of Source - I have infinite power and infinite love, and Steve is never going to be a match for the power of that love, as expressed by me. <br />
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He cannot come back into my life or into my head or heart, even if he camps on my doorstep. I am not the person I was. He is incompatible with me, our energies do not match any longer, I have no inner wounds that react to sociopathy any more. I'm too busy saving myself to be bothered about saving anyone else.</div>
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I went to bed and slept really well. I woke about 4.30 from a dream where Steve was pretending to love me and I was watching, studying, feeling both sad and repulsed. I remembered the words of the article:</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "museo_sans"; font-size: 16px;">As you go through the day, anywhere you might be, look at someone's face and silently say to them, "The love in me salutes the love in you." I defy you to do this for two minutes each day and not become happier. </span><br />
<br style="border: 0px none; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: museo_sans; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "museo_sans"; font-size: 16px;">No one needs to be reminded today that we are in need of a counterforce to the world's despair. All the hatred and unnecessary suffering that have gripped our planet are a challenge to our species to evolve and grow—to become who we are capable of being, so we can rise up with greater power and behave with greater wisdom. When any of us does this individually, our lives transform. And when we do it collectively, our planet will transform. Love will not just heal your life or mine. Love will heal the world.</span></blockquote>
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So I sent love in the direction of the house they live in, until I fell asleep again.<br />
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Today has been another blessing, another day of usefulness, fun, trying to stay me. When he did cross my mind, I was able to laugh at the situation. I have no fear, I have the love of Source, and trust in life. He gave me the greatest gift ever - he revealed the wounds that were holding me back. This is just another little bonus gift.<br />
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I strongly believe that I can keep him away through pure unadulterated love. And if not, hey, there's always the Police :-)<br />
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Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-82980346233719537032014-11-19T11:51:00.000-08:002014-11-19T11:51:13.880-08:00If You Care, You Can Say What You WantWe've all seen things like this, haven't we? This one is about people who have been abused <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPkwHPCYx3ITp94ffBsvQW29Ygq7xzvRMIx9T-k8olcZoxHh3bsaET5la1eSna-IJ165s9kxG9z77RT6Kokq3HDn3WAajJqSUZBsRxnNPZEPMIKKrazKwU108tUU2CLnJwdcDrk01zfk0/s1600/1450109_727183377366633_6312147136261589636_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPkwHPCYx3ITp94ffBsvQW29Ygq7xzvRMIx9T-k8olcZoxHh3bsaET5la1eSna-IJ165s9kxG9z77RT6Kokq3HDn3WAajJqSUZBsRxnNPZEPMIKKrazKwU108tUU2CLnJwdcDrk01zfk0/s1600/1450109_727183377366633_6312147136261589636_n.jpg" height="400" width="340" /></a></div>
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Here's another one:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghw7aoP7L8K5Gpt1eiP1x3zGzROl4H9k1UH4lG_xxo_yk3tVCyIs5ceo8eC8yuRCrTbqBYEdEgFBQc8PQg61KnI9IveAWnpzhx4Tz63XiZooGf7Rwh22m7ddOu5PYaE0KXpmqsClP1klo/s1600/68be4a52f391264818364584fe5964c3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghw7aoP7L8K5Gpt1eiP1x3zGzROl4H9k1UH4lG_xxo_yk3tVCyIs5ceo8eC8yuRCrTbqBYEdEgFBQc8PQg61KnI9IveAWnpzhx4Tz63XiZooGf7Rwh22m7ddOu5PYaE0KXpmqsClP1klo/s1600/68be4a52f391264818364584fe5964c3.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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These are both symptomatic of a trend that I am starting to really dislike, and here's why. I had 'liked' a Facebook page called 'The Grief Toolbox' because it was really helpful and a comfort when my Dad died, and had remained so for a long time. I finally was prompted to 'unlike' it recently, after yet another piece written about 'what not to say/do/think when in the presence of the bereaved' came along, and with it yet more comments from people bemoaning how cruel and unfeeling other people are/how dare they say that/no-one understands unless they've been through it and even then they are still arses etc etc.</div>
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Well bollocks to that. </div>
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I am grateful for every last thing anyone took the time to say to me when my Dad died. Even the things that were a bit 'off', the things that I didn't particularly agree with, the things that really didn't make any sense to me. Cos you know what? Those people <b>tried</b>. They saw I was in pain and they tried to make it better. I'm also grateful for the people who said nothing because they didn't know what to say. We've all been there and I know they don't love me any the less just because they had no clue what words to string together. Who can blame them really, when the Grief Fascists are out telling people they are the lowest of the low if they tell you they 'know how you feel'?</div>
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Same with depression. When I was depressed, it didn't matter what anyone said to me, I wasn't going to feel any better. And in the same way, I wasn't going to feel that much worse either. Again, you <b>know</b> the people who love you, even if they don't say the right things. And you also know the people who don't give a shit, whether or not they remember not to look at their watches.</div>
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And as for being abused - well, I am just grateful for anyone who put up with me and my enduring capacity to completely ignore all the good advice I was given whilst in an abusive relationship. I don't give a teensy little rat's ass what words came out of their mouths - and in fact, the views that least chimed with my own were probably the most useful in the end. </div>
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To me it seems like it is all part of a victim mentality that is ultimately dis-empowering. It's as though being a victim<i> </i>of something means you should have special privilege to be a delicate flower that the world and his dog have to tip-toe around just in case they upset your little cotton socks. Well thing is, shit happens. And shit happens to everyone - the people being slagged off for being insensitive about grief may well be depressed people themselves. So slagging them off makes the slagger themselves a bit of an arse, doesn't it? We are <b>all</b> human, and we all have our own crosses to bear. A lot of times when people screw up what they are saying about your situation, it is because they are extremely uncomfortable, they think you are too, and they are trying to make you and them both feel better. What on earth is so wrong with that?</div>
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Wouldn't it be better for groups and meme-makers to encourage people to be a bit less touchy and a bit more tolerant of eachother's failings? Not everyone has been bereaved. Not everyone has been abused, or depressed, or raped or mugged or whatever. But we have all been in situations where we haven't known what to say for the best. Why make it harder for eachother? Why not take whatever comes out of a person's mouth (or whatever doesn't) for what it is? Because usually what it is, is an act of love.</div>
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<br />Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-69616703317186131302014-10-17T09:14:00.000-07:002014-10-17T09:19:52.029-07:00Sorry, I'll Sponsor You When You DO Something <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Actually, I'm not planning on drinking tonight at all. I often don't, and haven't for the last couple of years. There have been several times during those 24 months that I have gone for maybe 6 weeks at a time without drinking. Whilst training for the Moonwalk, I barely drank from February through to May, because I really took that walk seriously, and wanted my body to be in peak condition.<br />
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So it comes as a surprise to me to find that 'not drinking' is apparently considered a way of raising money for Macmillan Cancer Support. Now I am usually only too happy to sponsor people. I may only give a little, or I may give a lot, depending on the state of finances, but I'll always give something, because I know that people put a lot of effort into their endeavours, and what better motivation to do something challenging or scary than to know that if you do, you are raising a shed-load of money for charity. Even dieting - I've sponsored people to lose weight - because it is HARD. But to sponsor someone for not drinking alcohol??? Maybe if you are an alcoholic, but otherwise don't even bother to ask me. And CERTAINLY don't ask me to join you - calling it a 'challenge' does not make it one; and I'm not a person to ask for sponsorship for pure inconvenience, otherwise I'd be asking for sponsorship for cleaning up my cat's endless puddles of pee.<br />
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No-one sponsored me for my abstinence during the Moonwalk training. No-one sponsored me for my abstinence during pregnancy and breast feeding. Should I ask for sponsorship in retrospect? No, cos you know what? It wasn't hard. It didn't hurt. It required no training or preparation. It didn't scare me.<br />
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So what the hell is the sponsorship even FOR?<br />
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It's like Movember - what a non-event to sponsor someone for. Man grows moustache. Whoopy-fecking-do. And chucking ice water over yourself. MY GOODNESS that one pissed me off. A work colleague has spent a couple of years raising money for MND (British for ALS), during which time he has climbed to Everest base camp and swum to the Isle of Wight. Were people jumping out of the woodwork and crawling out from under their rocks to sponsor him in these valiant efforts? Were they heck as like. But all of a sudden there they are, all cold and wet 'for charideeeee'.<br />
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(Although in discussing this with friends, it did occur to me that maybe <i>I </i>could do Movember. Man grows moustache isn't a story or any form of effort. Vain woman grows moustache and beard is a real discomfort as it would force me to challenge gender stereotypes whilst facing daily mockery. There's a difference)<br />
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But back to Stoptober - the whole thing has managed to combine two concepts that really get my goat - people being sponsored for nothing AND waiting for a specific time to change your life. I mean, if you want to stop drinking, why wait til October? Stop now. If you want to lose weight, why wait til Monday? Start now. If you want to get fit, why wait til the New Year? Start now!<br />
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It's like New Year's Eve - don't tell me when I should be having fun! And even more so, don't then come on all righteous in the New Year going on about how I should be giving up alcohol (snore) and fatty food etc. Especially as it is my birthday month, you bunch of utter killjoys!<br />
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Tell you what, here's an idea - you go about your life however you want, and I'll go about my life however <i>I</i> want, and let's not ask eachother for sponsorship for our lifestyle choices. Deal?<br />
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<br />Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-82460254391240969992014-05-09T11:06:00.000-07:002014-05-09T11:06:08.455-07:00It Always Rains on Barnhurst Lane OR Things I've Learned Whilst Training for a Moonwalk<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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For this is what I have been doing since I last blogged - training for the <a href="http://www.walkthewalk.org/Challenges/TheMoonWalkLondon">Moonwalk London</a>. Yup, tomorrow, on 10th May I will spend my night walking a marathon through London in my bra. Not only that, but my walking buddy isn't able to do it, so I will be walking alone. With 17,000 strangers. I'm SCARED!!!<br />
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More importantly though, before I even get to the Moonwalk itself, the training has taught me so much. It occurred to me whilst walking my 'big' practice walk of 20 miles, that I was walking it just coming into the <a href="http://www.mysticmamma.com/grand-cross-april-2014-astral-insights/">Cardinal Grand Cross</a>, and that actually, ever since I'd begun walking training, it's as though I've been walking away from my past and into my future.<br />
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Now let's be clear - as an exercise, I HATE walking with a passion. It is so, so SO BLOODY BORING! It's not like Insanity, where you get in there, get sweaty and breathless to the max, and are done. It goes on and on and on - and by the end of it you don't feel out of breath, but every damn bone in your body aches and your feet are covered in blisters.This is most definitely Not Fun. To make things better I always take my iPod with me and catch up on podcasts of radio shows I've missed in the week. Always except the time when I was horrified to find that I didn't have my iPod headphones, and I was already five miles into a 17 mile walk. So what else to do, but to think, and think, and then think some more?<br />
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<u>13 Miles is Nothing Special</u><br />
The first thing I got to thinking was how my view of distances has changed. 6 miles used to be an achievement, and leave me with aching muscles. Now that my 'usual' walks are 13 mile, 6 miles is a skip down the road, an evening ramble, certainly not something to consider 'training'.<br />
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<u>I Don't Have a 9-Mile Hip</u><br />
For as long as I can remember I have had a '9-mile hip' - whenever I go for long walks, it will kick-off hurting at the 9 mile point without fail. So of course, on the first 13 mile walk, it started hurting at 9 miles. Well, it started aching at about 6, due to me walking at a much faster pace than I usually would. By 9 it was proper spasming, and I was feeling a bit apprehensive. By Barnhurst Lane (more about that road later) it was absolute freaking agony. Every step sent a jolt of sharp searing agony through my whole leg, and I was visibly limping. I somehow made it the last two miles - even though I discovered that my other hip was a 12-mile hip, and so it was all I could do not to cry out loud as I struggled that last mile. It was not good. In fact, it made me doubt my ability to complete this thing.<br />
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Thing is, I'm a physiotherapist, wasn't this a case of 'physician, heal thyself'? So I read all I could about power-walking technique, analysed my own gait, and came to the conclusion that I needed to shorten my stride quite dramatically. Guess what? It only bloody worked! Not had a problem with either hip since, it's like a miracle! If only I had found this out 20 years ago!<br />
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<u>It Always Rains on Barnhurst Lane</u><br />
I don't know why I hate walking Barnhurst Lane.<br />
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Maybe it's because in my memory it looked like this:<br />
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whereas in real life it looks like this:<br />
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Maybe it's because my secondary school is on that road, and there's something about walking past it and seeing all the woodland that I remember as seedlings that is inherently depressing.</div>
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Maybe it's because it is a very straight, poorly tarmacked pavement through an un-scenic housing estate. </div>
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Maybe it's because I am haunted by the memory of the 9-Mile Hip Incident</div>
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Maybe it is because it is two miles from finish and it is so near yet so far</div>
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Or maybe it is because it always, always, without fail, rains on Barnhurst Lane. No wonder my teen years were so dispiriting.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> © Copyright <a href="http://www.geograph.org.uk/profile/11160">Gordon Griffiths</a> </span><span style="font-size: xx-small;">and licensed for reuse under this </span><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/" style="font-size: x-small;">Creative Commons</a><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> license</span></span></div>
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There is always a little smile though, when I reach the bridge above. For just the other side of it (on the right as you look at this picture, on my left as I walk it) is a house. Just a normal house, like all the others on the estate. But it's occupants have no idea that during its construction it was the scene of a famous 'flasher' incident, when Loraine Powis memorably exclaimed, 'why's he holding those raw sausages?'</div>
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<u>I Am Grateful For Steve</u><br />
This is something I don't think I ever thought I would say, but my 20-mile walk was dogged with thoughts of him - and not bad ones.<br />
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It was an absolutely beautiful Saturday, bright sunshine, but chilly,about 4 miles in and I was feeling incredibly happy. It crossed my mind that this was something I never would have done if I was with Steve - that I'd have been having to lie in bed until he felt like getting up, probably some time about 3pm. Then almost immediately that thought was replaced by one of how actually he started the process that had led me here.<br />
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You see, for all that I lost myself in the relationship with him, being with him gave me back a part of myself that had been lost years before.<br />
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Recalling the good times with Steve isn't something I've allowed myself to do before, because usually it immediately calls to mind the fact that he was faking all of it: all the love, all the fun - all fake. It's what sociopaths do. Yet because of refusing to think about the good times, I'd missed the massive thing that Steve gave me - he gave me back the confidence to do things I used to enjoy. With him I dressed goth, I went away for weekends, I went to V festival, I went to see bands. So now I am able to remember those good times without feeling upset, because whilst I walked I realised that for me it wasn't fake. I was there, I was in love, I was rediscovering things I'd forgotten I loved, and I HAD FUN. The truth of those good times was that they were nothing to do with Steve, because he was nothing like he pretended to be. Those good times were all about ME, about how I felt doing those things - exactly how I felt whilst walking that day - exhilarated, alive, full of joy, totally in the moment. Had I but known it at the time, Steve was showing me what it was to follow my joy. He was also showing me that I could do it alone - because, after all, I always was.<br />
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<u>It's Possible To Feel Sorry For a Road</u><br />
Especially when it's an orphan:<br />
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<u>I'm Not a Born Fundraiser</u><br />
If this were X-Factor I wouldn't have a chance - I don't have a reason to raise money for breast cancer. If I'm perfectly honest I decided to do this for the challenge to myself, to see if I could do the distance, to see if I could do it when people are sleeping. That I can raise money for charity is an added bonus, and this doesn't make the charity any less worthwhile. If you can spare anything, even a pound or less, it will be going to a good cause, to help those who contract a disease that could affect us all - yes MEN get breast cancer too! So please, if you can, go to <a href="https://moonwalklondon2014.everydayhero.com/uk/karen-32">my Moonwalk page</a>, and donate! Many thanks to all that do, and thoughts and prayers very welcome tomorrow night!<br />
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<br />Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-17656882371948251682014-01-02T06:29:00.004-08:002014-01-02T06:29:59.188-08:00Chin Up!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I know it's not quite a home gym, but it's a start. It's been there quite a while, since I started P90X in fact, and although I hoped to be able to achieve a chin-up by the end of that, it didn't quite happen. Oh no. My body saved that big achievement for Christmas Day, when I was showing my nieces how to do it, whilst saying 'I can't actually do one yet' AS I DID ONE!!!! YAY!!!! It turns out that in breaking the kitchen door off its hinges, Steve did me yet another big favour. So the next goal is an overhand pull up, which I am nowhere near.<br />
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In other fitness news, I've now been through Tapout XT totally, (as a hybrid with Insanity and P90X), and I have to say, of those three programmes, it is probably the most complete and the one that suits me most. My <b>favourite</b> will probably always be Insanity, but it doesn't have the best results for me. Yes, cardio-wise my fitness went through the roof, and has pretty much stayed there even though I'm now doing Insanity only 2 or 3 times a week. But doing pure Insanity, I lose muscle mass.<br />
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Once I added P90X, things got much better, I got stronger, I lost weight, I stopped being starving hungry, and my Insanity performance really improved - my knees really are coming above my hips on high knees now, for example. But the disadvantage of P90x was how SLOW a lot of the weight work was. As I've mentioned, I've printed off the routines and do them myself, much more quickly, now.<br />
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So TapouT - it's a similar proposition to P90X and Insanity, which is unsurprising, as the trainer, Mike Karpenko, is ex-Beachbody. It uses resistance bands rather than weights, which is more practical for me, and has loads of different routines focussing on different body parts or fitness aspects, very similarly to P90X. Where it is way better than P90X is in the speed and continuity of the weight workouts. For someone who has done Insanity or similar, it's at the sort of pace you are looking for to get a proper cardiovascular workout when doing weights.<br />
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There are disadvantages to TapouT, but they have nothing to do with the quality of the exercises or the teaching - more to do with the poor production of the DVDs, but bear in mind they are significantly cheaper than Beachbody DVDs.<br />
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The main disadvantage is that whatever the exercise, all the participants will be doing it at their own rate - and when the camera cuts, there is no effort made to keep the exercise rhythm visually constant. Once you are aware of this, it is easy enough to take your cue from Mike at the beginning and keep that as your own pace, and not worry about what is being shown on-screen.<br />
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And the music - it is too quiet to be motivating, and again, has no bearing on the exercises being performed. Whereas with P90X and Insanity you can use the music to keep your exercises at the right rhythm, in TapouT the music is completely random and nothing to do with the exercises, so again, best to ignore it and just crack on!<br />
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But Mike is a personable enough trainer, and the exercises are interesting enough in their own right, to keep me enjoying using this in my rotation of DVDs. If I had to do a Desert Island Fitness Programme, this would probably be the one, results-wise, that I would choose.<br />
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Also, in the spirit of keeping things changing so that I don't get bored, I've been adding in some Ballet-fit stuff, and thus happened upon the BEST workout for abs that I have ever done. Bear in mind I've been doing some serious ab work via all the aforementioned DVDs, yet after doing Leah Sarago's Ballet Body Core, I was in AGONY the next day! I knew at the time that I was working all my core, but didn't realise quite how hard until that next day. I don't know how, but it had worked muscles I'd not known existed; even going to the loo hurt, and as for coughing, YIKES! So that one is going to be a permanent fixture on my routine now.<br />
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Finally, I've had a BROKEN MY SCALES shocker! I got on them a couple of days ago, and they quite literally broke apart! I'm telling myself that it's because I recklessly simply stood straight on them, rather than doing a few gentle warm-up 'leans' on them first, or that the plastic had gone brittle after all these years. But I cannot discount that maybe it was my hefty Christmas bulk that did it :-O So I got some new ones today, and either I've put on half a stone over Xmas, or they are just weighing differently to my old ones. Neither really is a problem, I know if it's extra weight it'll be off soon enough, not gonna stress about it.<br />
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That's a huge difference in my psyche. In the past, the emphasis has always been on weight. Now it is on fitness. In the past, the fitness obsession was all about how long I spent in the gym. Now it is about how to get the best results for me in at most an hour a day. That has to be a change for the better.<br />
<br />Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-24422887047295801522013-11-18T11:48:00.002-08:002013-11-18T11:48:25.622-08:00Still Fit, Bit Less Fat<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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You may remember I didn't actually do my last Insanity Fit Test, just cos I ended up with a bit of a fizzle, and I felt I wouldn't be testing myself properly as I wasn't on full form. Instead, I moved right on to my own <a href="http://virtueorsin.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/ending-insanity-sort-of.html">P90X/Insanity hybrid programme</a>, which I finished last Friday. That meant that today was my delayed fit test. I was pretty sure I had maintained fine, as I was managing the Insanity Max DVDs pretty well - although I was also pretty sure this was using my improved muscle strength to make up for a slight loss of cardio. I definitely hadn't been working until I felt sick or wet myself as I had first time around. So here are the results (last time's in brackets):<br />
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Switch Kicks - (72) 64<br />
Power Jacks - (67) 67<br />
Power Knees - (136) 142<br />
Power Jumps - (45) 50<br />
Globe Jumps - (13) 12<br />
Suicide Jumps - (23) 20<br />
Push-Up Jacks - (49) 50<br />
Low Plank Oblique - (121) 130<br />
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I have no idea what happened on the switch kicks, as I thought I was smashing them, and was going to the max whereas I know I was holding back last time. But I suspect I am kicking a lot higher now because I am more flexible and also stronger. Power jacks I got the same, but again, IIRC I held back a bit last time, whereas I was going full-out this time. Power knees I may even have got more than I have recorded as I kept losing count and also would find I was counting slower than I was power-kneeing. But LOOK AT THOSE POWER JUMPS!!!! I knew I was better at these cos I've been better in the workouts, can do the fast ones now, rather than having to go slowly. I even feel I could have done more than I did if I was being firm with myself. Globe jumps - well, it was 12 and three-quarters really, and I think I admitted last time that my 13th globe was well dodgy! Now suicide jumps, I was pure knackered in the legs by this time - so much for my 'I am stronger' theory.... Push up jacks and low plank obliques I stopped with 10 seconds to go both times, because I was out of puff. And I'd beaten my previous already so had no motivation to carry on. And I still think I must be doing low plank obliques wrong, but cannot for the life of me see how.<br />
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The upshot is that I think this backs up the theory that I am stronger and that this makes up for a slight loss of cardio ability.<br />
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What next then? Well on Wednesday I will be beginning a new self-designed hybrid of P90X, Insanity and TapoutXT, which is a new workout system with resistance bands that I have been doing some weekends and also in place of the odd P90X session cos it is faster and a bit more cardio-ish, but I haven't done all the workouts yet, so won't review it until I have.<br />
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Doing less Insanity has meant my appetite has gone back to normal, I've stopped craving unusual food (like salad), and have gone back to my usual diet of cheese, crackers, chocolate and chips. I'd not weighed for a while, and bearing in mind the amount of cake I ate last week, I approached the scales with some trepidation. But my instinct was right, I'd lost another two pounds from my starting Insanity weight. My body shape is definitely changing too - my top half is continuing to get smaller. At this weight, my boobs would normally be filling their cups to the max but I definitely have room in them right now. So my tum still looks just as big, which is annoying, cos it is much more toned. On the whole tho, this is a good thing, as having two full sizes (and sometimes 3) difference between my tops and my bottoms isn't a look I was happy with.<br />
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There is another down-side to the improved abs. I caught sight of myself in the chip-shop mirror the other day, and my posture is APPALLING. The better tone of my abdominals has tilted my pelvis slightly backwards, and although I've got looser hip flexors I'm still hanging off them, so to balance I'm flexing my upper spine. Hideous. And a motivation to up the Supermans!<br />
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I still can't do a chin-up, but the next challenge is going to be helping with that, so maybe by Easter? Most of all, I am a million miles away from the couch potato I was just over a year ago. Here's to a lifetime of fitness! :-)Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-23488580889069735722013-09-29T04:16:00.000-07:002013-09-29T04:16:03.617-07:00A Text and a Call. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've not seen or heard of Steve since <a href="http://virtueorsin.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/carnival-encounter.html">Carnival weekend</a>, and so he hadn't been on my radar at all. Then a week last Friday night he texted at gone 2am - just 'hello u'. I am sure one of the list of exes he sent that text to will have felt compelled to reply, but that ex was not me. Since I was feverish at the time, I did waste a good few minutes composing variations of a 'fuck off' text, but then I realised that any response at all would only encourage him, and so forgot all about it.</div>
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Yesterday morning the home phone went and despite suffering from Fever II - the Virus Strikes Back, I answered it because I was expecting a call from Naughty Little Sister.</div>
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Male Voice: 'Is that Mrs Reed?'</div>
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Me: 'No, I think you've got the wrong number [Wheeze. Cough] What number did you want?'</div>
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He read out my number.</div>
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Me: 'Oh, that's my number....'</div>
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MV: 'Is that [my address]?'</div>
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Me: 'Yes....'</div>
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MV: 'Well, some time ago you spoke to someone from this company about having new fascias installed, and I'm phoning to ask a few market research questions..'</div>
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Well by this time I was properly suspicious. I haven't spoken to anyone about fascias, I close the door in their faces because I'm sick of them knocking on my door with their rip-off pretendy bargain offers for shoddy work done by scary builder-types, who block my toilet with their clay-textured poos.</div>
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Me: 'What company is this?'</div>
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MV: 'This is erm...'</div>
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SECOND MALE VOICE IN BACKGROUND: 'Ask her about [mumble mumble mumble]'.</div>
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I hung up. That second male voice was Steve, I was completely sure of it. I also realised I could hear TV in the background, not the noise of other people on phones. 1471 told me the caller withheld their number.</div>
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WTF!!!</div>
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I spent a lot of yesterday wondering what the hell was the point of it? Why the 'Mrs Reed' palaver? Why was he even bothering with me still? What could he possibly hope to gain?</div>
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This morning I woke up with an immediate knowledge of why Mrs Reed, in that way answers come when you sleep on a problem.</div>
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Just like with cold-callers at my door, I now hang up immediately on cold-callers to my home phone. As soon as, 'Can I speak to, erm, Miss Field?' is out of their mouths (or when I hear the delay of an auto-dialler), I'm off that phone. The number of cold calls had indeed increased last week. 'Mrs Reed' was a ploy to engage me in a conversation they were never going to have when asking for 'Miss Field'.</div>
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And the reason he is doing this? Who can fathom his crazy brain? It's certainly not something I have time or energy for, though at a guess he's between girlfriends again and is bored and has nothing better to do. Fortunately he's not doing anything more annoying. </div>
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But don't you just despise a half-hearted stalker? :-D</div>
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<br />Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-34758165979133380582013-09-18T11:57:00.000-07:002013-09-18T11:57:10.052-07:00The Circus Boy Always Rings Twice<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisukbkWdpaSR_Z91uiSDFzONC4AGr1kkzAFfSmvMbXwLwsw9fptVh6WglymG7GV9XKpxm69yD46QdgALvuHibMMWsCwxMJccR0wz_9Dh8J2GLGGc7G97Vz20gnn6ZCz7TlIzRSMxPxbWA/s1600/What-Are-You-Doing-Here-.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisukbkWdpaSR_Z91uiSDFzONC4AGr1kkzAFfSmvMbXwLwsw9fptVh6WglymG7GV9XKpxm69yD46QdgALvuHibMMWsCwxMJccR0wz_9Dh8J2GLGGc7G97Vz20gnn6ZCz7TlIzRSMxPxbWA/s200/What-Are-You-Doing-Here-.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
Those of you who have been reading for a while (or who know me in real life) will possibly remember me giving the brush-off to Circus Boy after finally getting sick to the back teeth with his antics over the <a href="http://virtueorsin.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/circus-boy-over-and-out.html">charity unicycle ride</a>. Like me, you probably assumed that this was the last I would see of Circus Boy's sorry arse, apart from a minor sighting during Carnival when I wasn't sure if he was ignoring me or hadn't seen me, and a 'from-the-car' sighting when he raised his arm to wave, then pulled it down again quickly as I stared stonily in the opposite direction.<br />
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Really, we should all have realised that he was bound to turn up sooner or later when he wanted something - and so he did, one Thursday in the school summer holidays. As usual, I was looking a bit less than lovely, this time wearing a round necked t-shirt. Round-necked T-shirts always make me look like Hattie Jacques - all low-slung boobs and excessive flabbage.<br />
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I heard a knock on the door and answered it thinking that it was someone wanting to discuss the state of my fascias and guttering. You can imagine how it felt - that awkward moment when you come face to face with the person whose texts and calls you have been avoiding since February. Except after Feb I don't think he texted or called anyway, he's not as unbalanced as Steve (though this is no great compliment).<br />
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We said hello, and I invited him in and gave him a cup of tea out of sheer confusion. Son was in and made a small deal about pretty much ignoring him. After a little small talk, I said, 'so what are you doing here; what do you want?'<br />
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'Nothing, I was just passing, so I thought I'd pop in and say hello.'<br />
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'Oh. Only I haven't seen you since that night just before the charity unicycle....'<br />
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'Oh yes, I wanted to tell you about that too - I did it, and it's on YouTube, so you can look it up and make sure I did do it....' and he went on to tell me in great detail all about it and the charities. It's true, checked it out after he left.<br />
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However - maybe I'm being picky, but by this time it was August, and the unicycle ride was February. Had he lost the use of his mouth for the whole of that time?<br />
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I did manage to get distracted by his tales of his new girlfriend, and here we had perhaps the reason why he had turned up. He was wondering did I need a haircut? Because she cuts hair, and he thinks she should build her confidence by cutting hair for people he knows. This isn't actually a bad thing, because I never go to the hairdresser's, and the answer to 'do you need a haircut?' in my case is invariably 'yes'. But I was wary of agreeing to anything, as I can just imagine Circus Boy with his girlfriend - 'oooh, yes, you should cut people's hair more... <remembers erstwhile fling he met last summer, the day after she had gonked her hair>...In fact, I know just the person - and it won't even matter if you completely mess it up, her hair looks utter shite anyway!' So I said I'd call him if I decided I did need a haircut. Instantaneously realising this was never going to happen.<br />
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But lucky me, he gave me two of his cards, because he has a business renting out sound systems, and was telling me about how he now has a van and a car, courtesy of his dad. So if anyone ever needs a sound-system.....<br />
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Finally he was telling me about how his girlfriend goes to a local pub (that he is unfortunately barred from) every Thursday. And then, at last, he asked about me - but I'd just got as far as talking about my spiritual awareness group that is a couple of doors down from him, and he lost interest, mostly because he thinks the group leader had complained about his music being too loud once. Not that this was a bad thing, but it meant he decided right then and there to go and have a chat to her about the group and general spiritual things.<br />
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And that was that, off he went. Well, I did kind of encourage him to go to see her before 9pm, because he is far too much trouble: he was giving me that searching look that is a bit sexy but kind of freaks me out, and I think he is not actually my friend, I think he is after something.<br />
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Once he'd left, I asked Son, 'well, I wonder what that was all about?'<br />
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'He wanted sex.'<br />
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I wasn't so sure. So I took to Facebook to ask what people thought he had wanted. 'Oh Karen, what do you THINK he wanted?' was the consensus.<br />
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In retrospect, I think that's right. I think it was Thursday, and his girlfriend was busy, so he thought he'd chance his arm. The Hattie Jacques t-shirt is probably all that saved me from a more obvious proposition - oh, and the ever-present and distinctly unimpressed Son of course.<br />
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Since then, no more Circus Boy. Is that the end of that? I suspect so. Until his girlfriend turns crazy. They always turn crazy on him (according to him). I wonder......<br />
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<br />Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-72518431917138760222013-09-16T12:50:00.001-07:002013-09-16T12:50:42.061-07:00Ending The Insanity - Sort Of<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVHBsPQvh1kPTwiV52LdrsCWejVNqB8P9lTXWPMNJRIw2VALIE1fmZBhiXuMofEDHrFR7o_0iWgL5CsHo-psosqsH1TRvVbKbZvMeygiSM3ip3bHj7NZpG7rJyVyUQoxPJlop3RQgu8JU/s1600/untitled.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVHBsPQvh1kPTwiV52LdrsCWejVNqB8P9lTXWPMNJRIw2VALIE1fmZBhiXuMofEDHrFR7o_0iWgL5CsHo-psosqsH1TRvVbKbZvMeygiSM3ip3bHj7NZpG7rJyVyUQoxPJlop3RQgu8JU/s1600/untitled.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br />
So at some point last month I completed Insanity. I ended with more of a whimper than a bang though. First I went on holiday again and so I missed a few days, and then I got slightly ill - nothing serious, in fact I was able to exercise a couple of days, but I knew I wasn't at full form. So I actually didn't even do the final fit test, which part of me felt was a bit of a cop-out (especially as Eve posted her final results especially for me on Twitter!), but the larger part of me thought would be silly to do as I wasn't fully functioning, so what would I rally be testing?<br />
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The strange thing is, Insanity had become so much a part of my life that there was more a feeling of emptiness than of completion. I knew that I would no longer have that daily routine of working out to an exhaustion high. No longer would I have that daily sensation of sweating from every pore in my body - I mean, I've had sweat run down my back before when working out, and I've even had sweat run down my legs - and with Insanity during the summer, sweat dropping off my nose wasn't unusual - but sweat running in little rivulets down my FOREARMS??!! That was new in the last month of Insanity.<br />
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BUT - I knew I had to do something different to another round of Insanity. Whilst my cardio capability has gone through the roof with it, I was well aware that my legs and arms had lost strength. I also found that I was gaining weight rather than losing it - and not only because I was constantly starving hungry, because I'm actually pretty good at ignoring hunger if I have the motivation. I think it's just something about my body - it needs muscle to burn fat or something, and too much cardio sends it fatty. It sounds mad, but I think it is true!<br />
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So I've started using P90X, another Beachbody programme. I began by following a hybrid routine of P90X and Insanity that I found on the Beachbody website, but I found I preferred to mix it up my own way. What I do currently is alternate P90X and Insanity during the week, roughly following the hybrid programme, but doing one more 'normal' Insanity and missing out the cardio recovery/X-Stretch - then at the weekend I usually have more time so I do P90X Kenpo or Plyo, then cardio recovery or X-Stretch or Yoga-X. And I usually have one or two days off exercise a week.<br />
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After Insanity, P90X actually seems really slow on the weight workouts, so I have printed out the routines and once I've run through them with the DVD once, I just do the routines myself watching Corrie or whatever, and do it way more continuously - no pausing or hanging around. Even so, the weight routines and abs take about an hour to get through. I'm already feeling the benefit, feel stronger again, can see more definition on my triceps and on my shoulders - the guy has even the women doing chin-ups etc. Not that I can do even one full chin-up or pull-up, I have to use a chair, but that is my new goal - I WILL be able to do a chin-up by the end of this!<br />
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I've also found that I'm not losing my cardio ability - I was initially shocked at how much easier the Insanity workouts were the second time through. I really did think the second month's workouts were easier than the firsts, and yet coming back to those first month workouts, I was much better able to do them this time around. And I'm still improving. So I'm thinking I'll do the final fit test at the end of this P90X/Insanity hybrid to see if I've continued to get fitter - because although I was aiming at maintaining fitness, I can see that there are places to improve strength, and maybe that will improve my cardio performance too?<br />
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As for Insanity - I cannot recommend the programme enough. Not as a first step into fitness, but as a follow-on to something like Jillian Michaels it is perfect. It is a lot of money, but if you compare it to a gym membership - well, I was a gym member, and despite being 13 years younger and spending two hours in the gym daily doing various classes and using the machines, I was not as fit as I am now. Insanity did that, and for me that makes it a BARGAIN.<br />
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So that's where I'm at right now with my fitness. Feeling really good. And only slightly obsessed :-)<br />
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<br />Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-55240817760981277362013-08-02T05:34:00.000-07:002013-08-02T05:41:20.202-07:00As Insane As Ever, If Not More So<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnA0V4QmTzj6PL5Uo7FNPrk0M3firdsWQIleb-LfxSfoznadV9-jxVAihj-g1lSt82v3_oYOhjrjJG1i5d7U5iUjVRqSPRaf4egva0AkhHwlGIu9tnPjOHPwm3B-4QypG8OJKDFEvOORk/s1600/Insanity1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="163" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnA0V4QmTzj6PL5Uo7FNPrk0M3firdsWQIleb-LfxSfoznadV9-jxVAihj-g1lSt82v3_oYOhjrjJG1i5d7U5iUjVRqSPRaf4egva0AkhHwlGIu9tnPjOHPwm3B-4QypG8OJKDFEvOORk/s320/Insanity1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Today was my penultimate Insanity Fit Test. Now I seriously was worried that there was no way I could have improved on my last results, cos I had really been pushing it, and in the past 2 weeks I've been on holiday, ate like a pig and not found the workouts anywhere near as difficult as the first month's were. So I was fully expecting this to be bad. With all this in mind, I decided to get it over with first thing.<br />
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Since I can hear you holding your breath in anticipation of my results, I'll tell ya now, I SMASHED IT!.<br />
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Tanya, well, she is old news, she is left WAY behind. But I have a new target in my sights. For just before I began Insanity, so did a fellow blogger, Eve at <a href="http://sowhosthatgirl.blogspot.co.uk/">Who's That Girl</a>. Not that she blogs about it, cos she has a life and stuff. And she is nominated for a Cosmo Blog Award, so just you nip on over there, have a read and maybe a vote and I'll see you in a bit......<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsEesYL5CLaOmpAxcCN7C58VTTTiLH-A0ZJAaeKMFG6GltDd9-p8U3umWT-72Z9F39Y5lYzaEeLYYciuJk2axWXUYoVoZOwAEVaun0hBD6JxjqzgGQ_gLoCtuaG-WOaPAj4Pz5isW1_FY/s1600/download+(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsEesYL5CLaOmpAxcCN7C58VTTTiLH-A0ZJAaeKMFG6GltDd9-p8U3umWT-72Z9F39Y5lYzaEeLYYciuJk2axWXUYoVoZOwAEVaun0hBD6JxjqzgGQ_gLoCtuaG-WOaPAj4Pz5isW1_FY/s1600/download+(1).jpg" /></a></div>
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<i>(This is a musical interlude while you read Eve's blog)</i></div>
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....aaaaaand BACK! </div>
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So anyways, Eve made the mistake of twittering her fit test result. And it was better than mine. Red rag, meet bull. Now anyone who thinks that this would not result in an outbreak of complete competitive meltdown in me clearly hasn't been following how dementedly screwed up I am about being the best at anything of no value whatsoever. At Pictionary (or indeed any board game), punctuation and grammar, A Levels, and, of course, ridiculous physical challenges that pique my interest like the Insanity Fit test (and indeed the physio school circuit training in first year), I am OBLIGED to be the best. Not MY best, THE best. </div>
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So, how did I do?</div>
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Here are my results, with last time's results for comparison, and how I did compared to Eve, cos I beat Tanya on every single one of these babies:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Switch Kicks 70/72 Eve wins. Tho I was saving myself cos I suspected I would struggle later.</li>
<li>Power Jacks 65/67 DAMN - one away from Eve, but I hadn't checked her scores beforehand and knew I only had one to get to beat Tanya, so again I was holding back still. Not next time......</li>
<li>Power Knees 124/136 I WIN, I WIN, I WIN!!! (It's really not pretty, is it?)</li>
<li>Power Jumps 41/45 Nowhere near Eve. I am IN AWE of her score here, dunno if I will ever get there.</li>
<li>Globe Jumps 11/13 Eve wins again, and my last globe was decidedly dodgy anyway!</li>
<li>Suicide Jumps 19/23 I WIN AGAIN, I am great, I am the best! (someone slap me)</li>
<li>Push up Jacks 32/49 I'd already beaten the world and his dog on this one. I do strongly suspect this is actually 39 and I miscounted though. My killer triceps RULE!</li>
<li>Low Plank Oblique 101/121 Again, I'm the best ever at these, and last time I thought I wasn't doing it right maybe, so I watched Shaun carefully on the set-up and went what I thought was quite slow and careful through them, so really not sure what's going on here.</li>
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But the main thing is that I am so much better than I was last time. There's no way I could have got these scores last time, I know I was pushing to the max then, as I was for all but the first two on these, I am really gonna push to get those up for the last fit test when Insanity is over.<br />
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<b>However</b> I am thinking Insanity will never be over for me. After the fit test, I went off to work - hydrotherapy. This is usually knackering, and I'd decided to save the other half of today's Insanity, the one hour Max Interval Training, until tomorrow. After all, the Fit Test is 25 minutes long, which is a workout in itself. Yet when I got home from hydro, I felt so full of energy that I went and did Max Interval no problem at all, probably the best I've ever done it. It IS my favourite DVD of the lot of them (and probably my favourite workout ever), but this is the thing about Insanity that makes it so addictive - doing it makes you full of energy.</div>
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So I am definitely going to keep on working it into my routines. At 48, I am without doubt the fittest I have ever been in my life, and I fully intend to stay that way, because I don't want to die and I don't want to be a frail old lady. Insanity has improved my fitness, but it has also changed my sleep patterns and my emotions - I really do feel relentlessly happy most of the time. I have nothing but good things to say about it. </div>
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"I'm smiling cos I LOVE IT!"</div>
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<br />Glitterfluffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00745594619309464125noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904050987999206634.post-7250132637971871202013-07-19T02:44:00.000-07:002013-07-19T02:44:03.229-07:00A Month of Insanity<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOU1EVotdy4BJTPK8fdGVtrOXcdeSN9frtWootwmHfauVUdX8P9xm_O6UyOtcwnG7cHpTIRU-RrMW-n1avRquIdoFB8ZMXSefawYBKQM_2Anq_CfTzNbkCRDf_0XQpbykwuDZW1pexgpE/s1600/tanya.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOU1EVotdy4BJTPK8fdGVtrOXcdeSN9frtWootwmHfauVUdX8P9xm_O6UyOtcwnG7cHpTIRU-RrMW-n1avRquIdoFB8ZMXSefawYBKQM_2Anq_CfTzNbkCRDf_0XQpbykwuDZW1pexgpE/s320/tanya.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i>Tanya sees the results of my 3rd Fit Test</i></div>
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I'm now in Month 2 of Insanity, and so far (three days in) I'm finding it even better than Month 1 - and here's why.</div>
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During Recovery Week, I had a day over the weekend where I had time to kill, so instead of the Core Cardio and Balance that I was supposed to be doing, I did Jillian Michaels 'Burn Fat, Boost Metabolism' (BFBM) and 'No More Trouble Zones' (NMTZ). That's about 80 minutes of working out, and was the best I could do before doing Insanity. BFBM was a walk in the park. This is the one I always found most challenging, and this time I did it no problem at all, and my plyo moves were noticeably LOADS better - I could actually cross my feet on the scissor jumps, which I'd never been able to do before. I didn't find anything difficult, and so was feeling really good heading into NMTZ, cos that one used to be quite easy for me.</div>
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I DIED. It involves weights, and I'd been using 3lb weights before Insanity, but had been considering moving up to 5lbs as I wasn't straining in any way. Well this time the 3lb weights were killing my shoulders so much I couldn't do the leg work at the same time, it was agony! So the results of Month One of Insanity appeared to bear out my initial thoughts - my cardio was vastly improved, but'd lost almost all of my upper body strength. </div>
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So the rest of Recovery Week, I was doing some Jillian Michaels and Cindy Crawford too, to build back some muscle. </div>
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My other problem was weight. When I started, the weight wasn't an issue at all, I was doing it to be fitter and for the challenge. But since Insanity caused me to PUT ON weight, it then became about the weight. I'd go up and down, but considering the effort I was putting in, and the amount I was eating (began logging it in case I was eating an insane number of calories, and I was usually under 1200), I should have been LOSING. I even began to wonder if I was doing something wrong, as all the weight was on my stomach. I look a bit pregnant. I have fibroids (that I choose to ignore), and I worried maybe they were growing into big fibroid babies?</div>
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So I was dreading the 3rd Fit Test. As it happened, I decided to start Month 2 a day early, as the suspense was killing me, and I had more free time on Wednesday than Thursday to do the Fit Test and first workout. So here are the results of that fit test. Read 'em and weep, Tanya, read 'em and weep:</div>
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Switch Kicks - 2nd Fit Test 68/3rd Fit Test 70 - I'd beat Tanya anyway by Fit Test 2, so happy with this</div>
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Power Jacks - 43/65 - Equal with Tanya!</div>
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Power Knees - 114/124 - Really annoyed with myself cos I thought I was way ahead of Tanya and slowed at the end to conserve some energy (see, I really have the wrong attitude, it's all about beating her instead of beating me!). I'm still convinced she lied when she claimed 125..... ;-)</div>
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Power Jumps - 33/41 - Equalled her again!</div>
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Globe Jumps - 9/11 - Equal again</div>
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Suicide Jumps - 18/19 - Tanya has 23, I'm still way off on this one</div>
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Push-up Jacks - 30/32 -Equal!</div>
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Low Plank Obliques - 71/101 I was already ahead of her here, but I got so many this time I'm wondering if I am doing it right, I might have to check before my next fit test, was a bit too not bothered to do it this time!</div>
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So I consider myself well-placed to beat her by the end of the programme. She was so annoyed, she didn't turn up for the Max Interval Circuit ;-)</div>
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I actually find the new workouts much more suited to me - I really enjoyed the Max Interval Circuit, even though I was doing it after the fit test, and the Max Cardio Conditioning is brilliant (even if I am doing some of the moves so slowly that it could possibly be perceived as having come to a stop). The Max Interval Plyo is vile, vile, VILE, but that is the exception so far. What is a real boost is seeing that I wouldn't look out of place in their gym (workout-wise, not body-wise; no-one wants a so-pale-they-are-practically-transparent hippo in the exercise vid). I am better than lots of them actually. I think because I have more strength, and now the moves need strength rather than cardio, I am coming into my own more. I'm looking forward to getting my triceps back.</div>
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Things I dislike: I HATE those side-to-side hops on the warm-ups. I spend each round dreading them and the way they make my legs shake! And I can't do that push-ups to stand thing, just can't get the co-ordination. I think it is because I have deformed calves.</div>
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I am also worried. Shanita hasn't appeared since Pure Cardio. I think Shaun T has actually killed her by workout.</div>
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But happiest of all, weighed today and am back to usual weight, and the belly is decreasing (this may be my imagination, and I may still be hearing the patter of little fibroid-baby feet in future, but I am an optimist by nature). So I am happy, and looking forward to the next month :-D</div>
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